January Update!

Friday, January 31, 2014

Wintery Cupcakes by obliviousfire, via Flickr
Photo Credit: Flickr

I can hardly believe the first month of the puzzle campaign is over! We are so thankful for everyone who has donated. We have a great start on our puzzle and are getting more and more excited everyday.

I seriously get emotional going through this list, we are beyond blessed!

Here are the FIRST additions to our

Puzzle Wall of Fame

*Means donation of $100 or more.
** Means donation of $200 or more.

Ashlea Banks

Kirstin Lassig
Scott & Charlyn Dansie
Krystal & Eric Guillory
Lindsey Gates
Whitney Martinez
Kelsi Jones
*Dustin, Amber, Cheyenne, Ashtyn, Sierra & Stetson Marino
Holly Miller
Cheralyn Creer
Cari Carter
Casey Robertson
Gabe Cazares
Brandis Smith
Sweet Stickem's Custom Vinyl     
Katherine Athey
Howard Lowe
Shauna Coleman
Richard & Emily Gibbs
Kassandra Lee
**Sarah Durbin
Samantha Ward
Analynn Berry
**Al Hall
Dezman Jackson
Tai Tomasi
Jennifer Woolhiser
Matt Stewart
Matt, Nikki & Caitlyn Smith
Penny Duffy
James Orgill
Vicki Inman
Tina Curtis
Kenna Arcury
Robert Olsen
Leesa Wallace
Kathie Gwilliam
Cindi Eskew
Michael Harvey
Caroline Jacketta
Paige Kibinski
Laura Bostick
Lindsay Adair
Juliann Orth
Brennan & Katie Powell
*Dance Biz
Hai Van, Youme, Song & Tao Nguyen-Ly
Jill Flygare
Julia Taylor
Trae Wisecarver
Elizabeth Graves
Cindy & Mike Marino
Karen & Mikayla Nelson
Donna Young
*Cherrie Raetz
Dave & Elaine Powell
Lindsi Gerstenslager
Margee Pavithran
Tiffany Taylor
Shawn & Heather Powell
Kylie Powell
Tai Tomasi
Jennifer Woolhiser
Charie Mears
Kerri Kosten
Matt Stewart
Jennica Wood
*Diane Powell
Alicia Brenson
Amber Holladay
Andrew & Alana Calhoun
Angela Keddington
Hetty Gower
Grace Pires
Tara & Tyler Briggs
**Kayleen, Chad, Cooper, Kennedy & Davis England
*Dr. & Tammy Tubre
*Karl Smith & Family
Jerry & Meralyn Whittle
Jennifer & Daniel Kennedy-Ashman
Conchita Hernandez
Alex Castillo
Amy, Chris & Lauren Mickey


(If you are not on this lest, and should be, please let me know! Please, please, please. I do not want to forget anyone and while I've tried hard to keep track, I have probably missed a few). 

It was kind of a big deal...

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Adorable Pink Lemonade Cupcakes. A delicious treat for Mom this Mother's Day!
Photo Credit: Better Homes and Gardens
January 22, 2014, Appointment with Dr. Foulk in Pleasant Grove. Ambree's physical exam and doctor consultation.

Holy cow you guys, yesterday was INCREDIBLE.

My infertility doctor is so great, Lucas and I have had a wonderful experience with him thus far. HOWEVER, we had never talked to him directly about our plans to use a gestational carrier so were a little weary of how he would react.  We have talked to others in his office, but not him. At our last meeting at his office, his advisor warned us that he would try to talk me into giving IVF a try on my own first. This worried me because I just KNOW, in my heart, that THIS (using a carrier) is what we are supposed to do.

Needless to say I was very nervous for our appointment yesterday. I hoped I could stand my ground but it's a pretty emotional subject so I was worried I'd just fall apart in his office.

Yesterday was FANTASTIC! Dr. Foulk is so great. He sat down and let us talk right off the bat, he listened to our worries, concerns, excitement, anxiety...all of it. And the absolute best part...HE'S TOTALLY ON BOARD!! He didn't question my decision for a second, was so great with Ambree and was thorough, honest and encouraging. I have NO doubt at all that he was guided yesterday by a higher power. When he walked into the room, all my anxiety just left, it was incredible! I haven't even said this out loud to anyone yet but I felt like that office was full of people, it was strange. I have a feeling we had a lot of cheerleaders from the other side there at this appointment with us. We prayed so hard before we left for Salt Lake, and I know many of you did as well; those prayers were heard and answered in a BIG way.

I am more excited than ever and can't wait to start this journey. This is the checklist we currently our working on:

1. Get Ambree cleared to be a carrier. CHECK!
2. Find a lawyer and set up our contract.
3. Get all our psych evals done. (Yep, Lucas, me, Ambree & Derek all have to pass pscyh exams before we get the go-ahead).
4. Get on same birth control. CHECK!
5. SAVE UP $20,000!
6. Get Ambree's water ultrasound done.
7. Start therapy sessions together (we have to do counseling together befor embryo transplant).
8. Begin the process of hormone injections (for both Ambree and I).
9. Perform the egg extraction (Deja).
10. Make embryo's.
11. Transfer the winning/best embryo.
12. Embryo attaches and WE'RE PREGNANT (ideally).

I get goose bumps just writing this. I am giddy with excitement.

NOW, please pray for PATIENCE for me. Waiting for the funding is going to be hard cause I'm just so anxious to get moving on making a Lucas & Deja baby!

THANK YOU all for your continual love and support. We love you all and are eternally grateful for your love and charity!

A Sparkly New Blog

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Sparkle cupcakes
Photo credit: PimImg

Welcome to the new blog!

A great big thank you to my sweet, wonderful friend Pepper who designed our beautiful blog.

In thinking of what to title the blog, I got lots of great, fun, awesome ideas but this one hit me as being perfect for us! If you don't know me, I'm a bit of a choco-holic (a bit may be under-exaggerating slightly). I once wanted chocolate so badly, after searching my whole house I found an old M&M behind our TV, wiped it off and ate it.

Thank you to each of you who have already joined our puzzle campagin, we feel so lucky! If you still want to join check out the campaign page on this blog.

We hope you will enjoy going on this journey with us, we're taking you through it all, so put your seatbelt on, hold on tight cause here we go!

Chocolate Bar the says Thank You in Braille


Sunday, January 19, 2014

Re-published from Slate and Stylish: 1/17/14

DISCLAIMER: I will soon have an infertility blog so you won't have to read about it anymore here, promise.

But tonight I needed to write. Just write about how I am feeling. My goal in sharing my story (with whomever may be reading) is to give a very real portrayal of this journey.
The last few days I have been a mess. I mean not-wanting-to-get-out-of-bed, cry myself to sleep, behind on school work, house is a disaster, not wanting to eat, turning down chocolate cupcakes kind of mess.
I have been trying to figure out why I have been feeling this way. Why, just a few days ago I was so excited and full of hope and now I feel pain, physical, mental, spiritual pain. I've tried to "force" myself out of it by crafting, resting, getting out, exercising, listening to up-lifting music, praying, reading other blogs...
But all I do is cry and cry and cry....
I don't write this so you will feel sorry for me, I know I'm not the only one going through tough times right now. I write this in hopes it will help me figure out why I'm grieving right now.
I'm crying because I am realizing how REAL all this is, that now I'm no longer the one reading the infertility blogs, but I'm writing them?
I'm crying because I want to know what it feels like to be pregnant! Yep, I want the morning sickness, the moodiness, the cravings, the big boobs, the cute maternity clothes, the "Aw, how far along are you?" the gushing over my belly?
I'm crying because I'm doubting my decision to not try to carry OUR baby first? Perhaps this "strong impression/gut feeling/instinct" that my body just can't handle it after years of problems is WRONG?
I'm crying because I'm selfish and I want this whole thing to be JUST about Lucas and I? After all, it's one of the few times in our lives it CAN be all about us! Maybe its selfish-ness?
I'm crying because I'm afraid that none of this will work and I'll never know what it's like to be a mom?
I'm crying because I can't just call my husband anytime I want and cry with him, or steal a hug for him or have him hold me at night or comfort me with his optimism.
I'm crying because I wish I were more optimistic.
I'm crying because infertility is just simply hard and scary and exciting and isolating and over-whelming all wrapped up together.
I don't know much right now, my brain is a little like mush.
My heart on the other hand... my heart knows that I have SO many people who love and care about Lucas and I; enough to invest money, spend time planning fundraisers, taking time to send kind messages in cards, letters, texts and emails, sending up prayers, offering their baby ovens, and simply exuding love for US!
I'm crying because this is going to be the journey of our lives...
Caption: I've made a decision to photo document our journey, all of it. Meaning the not-so-flattering pictures too. I may not share all of these on the blog but believe-it-or-not, it helps me through the process.

The Tiny Army Hat

Have you ever just known you were on the verge of breaking down (into tears, screaming, yelling, whatever it may be...); walking around feeling like a ticking time bomb? I have felt this ticking for a few days, just not knowing what or when I was going to finally break but knowing I would have to eventually.

It's like those tubes of cinnamon rolls where you peel the paper away and wait for it to pop out of the cardboard. No matter how much you mentally prepare yourself for the "pop" you jump EVERY SINGLE TIME. I knew my emotional breakdown was coming...

Of all places in the entire universe it happened in a Spencer's gift store...
when I found this teeny, tiny Army beanie hat for a newborn baby. The second I touched it and looked at it, I broke; I fell into tears right there in Spencer's gifts (how convenient). Luckily my mom and my dear friend visiting from Mississippi were with me and they just let me cry...let me walk to the back of the dark store and cry alone for a minute.

Maybe it's the anticipation of the new year and the new campaign to make this our year for baby. Maybe it's just the holidays. Maybe its the fact that everything feels more real than ever before. Maybe it's the generosity of others who have already reached out to us. Whatever it is, everything has built up inside me and it felt so good to cry...so good (even if it was at the mall).

I want to share our journey this year, every piece of it, because maybe it will help someone else someday and maybe it will serve as a way for me to remember this journey. This is the craziest roller coaster ride of our lives and every emotion possible comes to the surface.

I'm glad I cried today, really, really glad. And I'm also glad that just two minutes later the three of us were laughing so hard we could hardly stand up. I'm just going to take it all in, every crazy up and down...all of it!

U.S. Army Knot Infant Cap

A Day Without Color

Re-published from Slate & Stylish: 4/25/2013

Growing up in the house that my dad built, we had this little garden, rather this row of flowers that grew in our front yard that my mom and dad had nicely landscaped. Every year they planted these bright orange and yellows flowers, I have not idea what kind of flowers they were (I think maybe mums), I just remember them being very bright and I loved see them everyday! I have always had a fascination with bright colors, probably because with my eye condition, I can only really see bright colors. Makes sense I think.

I continue to love bright colors, I wear them often, I decorate with them, I am drawn to them in almost any situation. They make me feel colorful, bright, hopeful and energized, I'm a big fan of loud colors!

Yesterday was one of the darkest days of my life...

We had an appointment with our fertility doctor yesterday. It was THEE appointment to determine whether we would continue trying to get pregnant on our own (with medication), through Artificial Insemination or through In-vetro Fertilization (IVF) (We talked about this in a previous post)..

We first met with a financial counselor and that alone made me nauseous beyond words. These prices they were telling us seemed unreal to me. I heard $2,000, $12,000, $20,000....I felt like I was in some surreal movie where OTHER people had this kind of money and can fork it over. I know you can't put a price on children but when it comes down to it, that's your only option, you still have to have that kind of money somewhere, it just seemed so unfair and unreasonable to me.

After our money meeting, we sat out in the waiting room. We talked about trying on our own for a few more months so we could begin saving, we talked about trying Artificial Insemination first (because it's significantly a cheaper route), we talked about all these options. Then it was time to go back for my test...

It was a test to see if my fallopian tubes were open. Now, I'm going to explain the procedure so if you don't want to hear this, skip to the next paragraph, BUT, I am going to share it because I know I would have rather liked knowing what I was getting into before this happened. It's simple, it's basically an x-ray where they inject your fallopian tubes with a dye and see if the dye pushes through them. Kind of like a plumbing test but for your body. In order to do this they stick a catheter into each tube, then they push the dye through. It's a pretty simple procedure and relatively painless UNLESS your fallopian tubes do not work. I handled the first stages quite well, but when they pushed the dye through I suddenly had excruciating pain run through me. I started sweating and crying and told the doctor I was about to faint, cause I was, I know the sensation all too well. So they immediately stopped, they were nearly done with the procedure at that point anyway...

I laid on the table in tears shocked by the whole situation and what I was going through, I remembered the doctor telling me that it would hurt worse if the tubes were closed, but maybe I was just a big baby...

After looking at the pictures for a few minutes (maybe only a few seconds it just seemed like forever) she told me that neither of my tubes work and worse off, she didn't get the pictures she wanted so we were going to do it again. The second time I stayed strong, physically at least, but cried through the whole thing. She re-affirmed to be after round two that neither were working. I was like a robot was talking to me, I heard what she said but I couldn't understand what she was saying. I felt queasy again... I had been told many, many times that as long as one tube was working there was hope I could pregnant on my own.

Knowing full well what that meant for me, I still asked her, "So what does that mean for me getting pregnant?" She said, "It means you can't possibly get pregnant on your own and artificial insemination is no longer an option." I knew I had problems going into my appointment but I had hope and now that was all washed away, with concrete evidence.

My world was just black and white now. Nothing seemed to have color at all. I was wearing a  bright blue dress yesterday and putting it back on, it was every shade of black to me.

GQ wasn't in the room with me because he wasn't allowed due to it being an X Ray. He came in and said nothing, just saw the pain in my face. He just held me while I cried, still not knowing exactly why I was crying. The doctor then showed him the images and in a very round about way told him what that meant. I felt like all I could see in that room was he and I and a lot of emptiness.
NOW, the great news here is we still have the option of IVF, that does not require you to have tubes at all and I've never been more thankful for science in my life; knowing that it's possible to create a baby is miraculous to me! But I'm still pretty peeved that THIS is our only option...

Today I woke up seeing a bit more color than yesterday but the world appears differently to me now. Having someone look you directly in the eyes and telling you that you it's impossible to create life on your own is surreal...and heart-wrenching. BUT it's reality for us and we know there is another option. Yet I don't know if I will ever really get over the fact that my body was not made to do this simple thing that millions of women can do.
Orange and Yellow Mums

My hope is that someday I can have a child and we will be able to plant them a super bright garden like my dad did for us, full of yellow and orange flowers and hope!

Baby Dust

Re-published from Slate and Stylish: 4/18/13

I always hesitate to share these types of blog posts but I always go back to the fact that I think I was meant to go through this so I could share my journey. AND, also that I have many family and friends who have supported me through so much along the way and I’m not the greatest and talking about these things, I am more of a writer by nature.

So our journey with infertility continues…

Last week we actually go to meet with a terrific infertility specialist who happened to be in our city for the day. Now this is actually the first time we have met with a specialist on infertility, we’ve seen lots of OBGYN’s and because we lived in a fairly small town before moving to Utah, they were not easily accessible to us.

GQ was supposed to be out of town for the military for our appointment but the skies opened up and he ended up being able to go with me which was a HUGE blessing, it was so nice having him by my side. This doctor was EXCELLENT. He was thorough (he had looked through all my previous medical records), patient, easy to understand, STRAIGHT-FORWARD and answered my ENORMOUS amount of questions. I was quite impressed with him and for the first time this infertility stuff sort of made sense to me.

He laid it all out on the table for us…literally in the form of a chart of some sort (I couldn’t see it but GQ seemed to find it helpful). He told us our odds of getting pregnant on our own were around 10 percent, not great stats but at least someone finally laid it on the line for me. He told us our next two options were Artificial Insemination and In-vetro Fertilization (IVF).

I will TRY to explain it to you the best way I can, which FYI isn’t elegant…
Artificial Insemination involves putting sperm inside the woman with a turkey-baster type device (I’m pretty sure that is not the official name). They often give the women medicine to increase the number of eggs she produces in hopes it moves along the process. It’s about $600-$800 a pop!

IFV involves a bit more work. They (the sperm/egg mixer people) take the women’s eggs and the man’s sperm and mix them together in a lab and try to develop an embryo from these two things, THEN implant it into the women. It’s a hand-crafted procedure really. It however is about $10,000 a pop! (And surely we all have a few $10,000 lying around, right!?!)

These are our two REAL options at this point. Well, there is one more we’d highly consider…
Fairy sprinkling baby dust.
That’s not to say I will EVER really give up on the idea we can get pregnant on our way someday, I’ve seen it happen to many friends after years of trying unsuccessfully. Plus, mentally and emotionally I’m not sure it’s possible for me to ever really give up that hope. However, we have to face the fact it may not come naturally for us.

Both these procedures are expensive and substantial but worth it if we get the final result. However, there is much to consider in our case. I have one, maybe even two, fallopian tubes that aren’t working well. One, in fact, was not working at all last check and may just need to be removed. We will find out in the next two weeks if I have one, two or no tubes to work with. If they both are not working, there is still hope but our chances of success are much higher if I have at least one to work with. Send good Fallopian tube vibes my way if you don’t mind.

For both GQ and I the reality really sunk it last week, for the first time we both felt like this was all real, that we were actually “one of those” couples who are the uphill climb to trying to get pregnant that infertility in our lives had just became REAL, yep, it’s REAL LIFE for us. GQ said when we walked outside after our appointment, “Wow, the world just looks so different now.” I felt the same.
For those who have dealt with this in the past, are dealing with it now or have an inclination that this might happen to them, the emotions you experience are so different than any other thing you’ve dealt with in life. For some being a parent is not what they want, and that’s perfectly okay, but when it’s what you’ve wanted for as long as you can remember the reality that something so natural has to become so un-natural, has to be crafted and scienceified (new word that I am liking quite frankly), it is a little heart breaking.  You go through phases of sadness, hope, disappointment, resentment, anger, insecurity and fear. You want to believe that this is, “happening for a reason” that “it’s just not time,” but that doesn’t always soothe the pain.
I’m learning that while this is always on the fore-front of my mind, life goes on. There are other things in my life that need improvement; that I need to work on. I am trying to push myself beyond what I know I’m capable of and push myself in new ways.
Me doing an "I love life" leap on a hike through Snow Canyon National Parik 2013
I’m trying to use this time to strengthen my marriage, after all that’s the cornerstone to our future family anyway. I’m trying to advance myself in my education, as much as possible. I’m trying to support causes that are important to me and participate more in community activities. I’m trying to take better care of my body by exercising and SOMETIMES eating healthier (throw in an occasional dozen cupcakes or so). I feel like focusing on these things will only strengthen me as a person….right!?!
And lastly you have to laugh about it every now and then…
Picture of Sweet Brown, caption says, "Infertility, Ain't nobody got time for that!
Where we are going next, we aren’t sure. We seek advice from others who have or are going through what we are, we truly treasure that advice. We pray and we plan the best we can for whatever step is next. Again, I want to document our journey not only for myself but maybe for someone else too.

Fight or Flight

Re-published from Slate and Stylish: 12/12

Today was quite a day for me. I'm exhausted, but can't sleep, I'm sure you've all been there.

My friend Meg is one of my favorite people. I love her blog because she's real, honest and well...natural, that's what's so great about her. Meg and I went to high school together but didn't really run into each other again until we were both going through pretty huge, traumatic life moments, we ran into each other in the waiting room of an ICU. I have never really told her this but since then I've felt this strong connection to her...the more we move through life, the more I see the reasons why I do...

I hope she doesn't mind me saying this, but the point is, she motivated me to write my feelings about today...

I stayed up late, like 3 a.m. late, last night working on my homemade Christmas gifts for this year. It was a strange night, one of those nights where there was energy in the air but I wasn't sure what it was all about...does that make sense? 
I woke up this morning and walked to the bank to meet with a financial advisor about lots of things but partly to talk to him about a personal loan so I could begin more in-depth inferitlity treatments (infertility is EXPENSIVE). My phone rang a while into our meeting, now normally I wouldn't answer it in a meeting but my baby sister is due with a baby any day, so I answered.

Sure enough it was mom telling me my sister was in "active labor" (I wonder what un-active labor is?) and I needed to get up to Salt Lake ASAP (Salt Lake is about 5 hours away from my town). I flipped out a bit (poor financial advisor guy) and began making desperate phone calls to find a way to get to Salt Lake in time. This is my sister's second baby, but I missed her first one because I lived in Louisiana and promised I'd be here for this one.

I was able to get a final seat on a shuttle that left in 20 minutes from St. George. Now remember, I don't drive so now I'm frantically trying to figure out how to get out of that bank, get my clothes from home and make it the shuttle station, which is about 15 minutes from where I was. Needless to stay I made my shuttle thanks to the amazing banker guy who offered to take me, and ZERO luggage, just whatever I had, but I made it.

The five hour drive to Salt Lake was like this mega-storm of emotions for me. I was SO excited to finally have a new niece. I was freaking out about actually watching someone give birth. I was anxious the whole way hoping I'd make it on time. And another thought crossed my mind...a thought initally I shut out because I figured it to be super selfish. How was I going to handle seeing my sister deliver and then hold a tiny baby when my heart has been at its deepest aching point about not being able to have a baby myself?

I felt horrible, selfish, angry with myself that this EVEN crossed my mind. MY
SISTER'S HAVING A BABY, THAT'S AMAZING! But I couldn't shake it....
I made it, literally, 30 minutes before my sister delivered my sweet niece Maycee. It was an incredible experience and my sister was an absolute champ! It was the most miraculous thing I've ever seen, bringing a new life into the world. She was perfect, and beautiful at 6 ibs. Perfect.

I watched my sister and brother-in-law and they were so perfect and loving and sweet with one another it was so special. I was so joyful for them and this amazing addition to all our lives. Then suddenly the heartache from earlier that day dropped on me. It felt horrible. I felt horrible for feeling bad for myself at this incredible moment, but it was such a dark and over-powering feeling for me.
I walked out to the waiting room, mostly so other family members could come in and I sat on a bench and cried. I cried really hard. All I could think was, "What if I never get this chance?" "What if I never get this joy for myself?" The whole time I battled with myself in knowing how selfish I was being at this very moment. I hated myself right then for feeling this way. I wanted to run away and hide from myself.

A few minutes later...I wiped up my tears and walked back into that room and watched my sister feed my beautiful niece. Then our sweet little Maycee suddenly stopped breathing. My heart fell to the floor.

The nurse did everything she could to get sweet Maycee to breath. It was such a heart-wrenching moment watching my little sister lay there unable to do anything while they worked on her own daughter. My saddness turned to anguish for my sister so quickly, it was awful. The nurse gave Maycee oxygyn and stabalized her enough to move her to the NICU but in a moment our whole world seemed to fall out from under us.

Sweet Maycee got stronger as the night went on and she continues to get stronger...she's not out of the woods yet but things are looking better and she's a strong little girl, you can sense that just by holding her. And she has the best parents ever. My sister and brother-in-law are so strong.

I struggle somedays to understand why it's not my time or why it has to be so complicated to do something that is supposed to be so natural (having babies) but I know that, like tonight, there is a time and a place for all of us. Life is precious and fragile and not in our control.Our power is so minimal is moments like this, when there is nothing you can do but clinge to hope that what's meant to happen will prevail.

Phew. What a day. It's time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself and love on my nephews and new niece while I have the chance... even if I do stink since I have no deoderant or a change of clothes. They'll still love me, right!?!

My beautiful miracle niece Maycee.

First Signs of the "I" Word

Republished from Slate and Stylish on 8/2012

I know that a few people read this blog for my sometimes witty, terribly honest and often humurous stories about blndness...

Today is not that day. Today it's a bit personal but a good reflection that blindness is the least of my concerns and I live a very NORMAL life.

I have mentioned it before and for many they have a basic idea by now that I struggle with something A LOT of women struggle with too.

I hate the word, for some reason it makes me feel scared, freaked out, somehow malfunctioned... but it is what it is.

I hate the word and always hoped it would never be something I had to deal with. But the reality is, it's MY reality. I have to face it head on and deal with it. Maybe that's why I feel I need to write it down, it's more real that way.
For the men that read the blog, you may wish to stop, I'm about to talk about girlie stuff and you may just hate it. But really, toughen up it's life. :)

From the day I started "becoming a woman" I had problems. In junior high school I remember starting my period (like most girls my age) and it never stopping. I THOUGHT I WAS DYING! Seriously. My mom found me in the bathroom one day nearly passed out and A LOT of blood. I knew girls had periods but what I didn't know was they were supposed to stop at one point. After two weeks I had lost a lot of blood.

I ended up the in ER getting a blood transfusion. I had lost A LOT of blood and my dignity especially because my nurse was the mom of a boy I had a big crush on in J.H. It was a wonderfully humiliating experience for me.
It was not a great way to start. Needless to say I've had problems since day one, however, it was nothing my doctors thought would cause any problems with infertility in my future.

Today, I can't help but wonder if that horrible start had something to do with where I am today.

I have to say that I have a few friends who have battled for much longer than I with inferitility and my heart aches for them. Although some have found their way to motherhood through other methods, I know the battle is never ending.
I was married when I was younger for almost three years and now I've been married to GQ for just over a year. All together I have tried to get pregnant for four years. Like I said for many of my sweet friends, their journey has been far longer.

I don't know the exact reason I have not been able to get pregnant, the list of reasons has been endless. There is something new everytime I got to a new doctor. It's an emotional ride for me and my husband.

I won't go into all the details about the reasons why I've been told I can't get pregnant because I don't know anyone wants to know that much info. I don't want to TMI anyone.

I have moments when I really struggle, really wonder why this isn't happening for me. I look at my friends who have 1, 2, 3, 4.... kids and I feel left behind. I sometimes feel jealous. I sometimes feel sorry for myself. I sometimes think, "Why Me?" I'm not going to sugar coat anything and say my heart doesn't ache ever so slightly when I hear someone is pregnant. But all-in-all I am glad they are having babies. Babies are awesome!

However, there is a time and reason behind everything, I know this (90 percent of the time anyway). I realize that I have a strong education behind me and a great career and I am eternally grateful for that, truly. I have a dream of a husband who loves me no matter what...that's pretty great too. I have terrific friends and family, adorable nephews (and soon to be a niece) and I'm lucky. Seriously, lucky!

Right now I am in the stage where I have to make some big decisions. There are so many choices/options out there when it comes to inferitility yet our personal path is unclear to me right now.

I share my thoughts tonight because I feel there must be a good reason I am facing this and maybe by documenting our journey I can reach out to others, and even more selfishly, maybe I will continue to find others to share this journey with. I already have so many loving people (some I don't even know) who have reached out to me and GQ.

Sometimes, like tonight, my heart hurts. It's not been often in my life where I have wanted something and haven't found a way to get it. But this out of my hands and I know that and I keep moving. Praying. Hoping. Living.
I hope you don't mind sharing my thoughts on this. I feel better already. Phew.