First Signs of the "I" Word

Republished from Slate and Stylish on 8/2012

I know that a few people read this blog for my sometimes witty, terribly honest and often humurous stories about blndness...

Today is not that day. Today it's a bit personal but a good reflection that blindness is the least of my concerns and I live a very NORMAL life.

I have mentioned it before and for many they have a basic idea by now that I struggle with something A LOT of women struggle with too.
Infertility.

I hate the word, for some reason it makes me feel scared, freaked out, somehow malfunctioned... but it is what it is.

I hate the word and always hoped it would never be something I had to deal with. But the reality is, it's MY reality. I have to face it head on and deal with it. Maybe that's why I feel I need to write it down, it's more real that way.
For the men that read the blog, you may wish to stop, I'm about to talk about girlie stuff and you may just hate it. But really, toughen up it's life. :)

From the day I started "becoming a woman" I had problems. In junior high school I remember starting my period (like most girls my age) and it never stopping. I THOUGHT I WAS DYING! Seriously. My mom found me in the bathroom one day nearly passed out and A LOT of blood. I knew girls had periods but what I didn't know was they were supposed to stop at one point. After two weeks I had lost a lot of blood.

I ended up the in ER getting a blood transfusion. I had lost A LOT of blood and my dignity especially because my nurse was the mom of a boy I had a big crush on in J.H. It was a wonderfully humiliating experience for me.
It was not a great way to start. Needless to say I've had problems since day one, however, it was nothing my doctors thought would cause any problems with infertility in my future.

Today, I can't help but wonder if that horrible start had something to do with where I am today.

I have to say that I have a few friends who have battled for much longer than I with inferitility and my heart aches for them. Although some have found their way to motherhood through other methods, I know the battle is never ending.
I was married when I was younger for almost three years and now I've been married to GQ for just over a year. All together I have tried to get pregnant for four years. Like I said for many of my sweet friends, their journey has been far longer.

I don't know the exact reason I have not been able to get pregnant, the list of reasons has been endless. There is something new everytime I got to a new doctor. It's an emotional ride for me and my husband.

I won't go into all the details about the reasons why I've been told I can't get pregnant because I don't know anyone wants to know that much info. I don't want to TMI anyone.

I have moments when I really struggle, really wonder why this isn't happening for me. I look at my friends who have 1, 2, 3, 4.... kids and I feel left behind. I sometimes feel jealous. I sometimes feel sorry for myself. I sometimes think, "Why Me?" I'm not going to sugar coat anything and say my heart doesn't ache ever so slightly when I hear someone is pregnant. But all-in-all I am glad they are having babies. Babies are awesome!

However, there is a time and reason behind everything, I know this (90 percent of the time anyway). I realize that I have a strong education behind me and a great career and I am eternally grateful for that, truly. I have a dream of a husband who loves me no matter what...that's pretty great too. I have terrific friends and family, adorable nephews (and soon to be a niece) and I'm lucky. Seriously, lucky!

Right now I am in the stage where I have to make some big decisions. There are so many choices/options out there when it comes to inferitility yet our personal path is unclear to me right now.

I share my thoughts tonight because I feel there must be a good reason I am facing this and maybe by documenting our journey I can reach out to others, and even more selfishly, maybe I will continue to find others to share this journey with. I already have so many loving people (some I don't even know) who have reached out to me and GQ.

Sometimes, like tonight, my heart hurts. It's not been often in my life where I have wanted something and haven't found a way to get it. But this out of my hands and I know that and I keep moving. Praying. Hoping. Living.
I hope you don't mind sharing my thoughts on this. I feel better already. Phew.