Baby Dust

Re-published from Slate and Stylish: 4/18/13

I always hesitate to share these types of blog posts but I always go back to the fact that I think I was meant to go through this so I could share my journey. AND, also that I have many family and friends who have supported me through so much along the way and I’m not the greatest and talking about these things, I am more of a writer by nature.

So our journey with infertility continues…

Last week we actually go to meet with a terrific infertility specialist who happened to be in our city for the day. Now this is actually the first time we have met with a specialist on infertility, we’ve seen lots of OBGYN’s and because we lived in a fairly small town before moving to Utah, they were not easily accessible to us.

GQ was supposed to be out of town for the military for our appointment but the skies opened up and he ended up being able to go with me which was a HUGE blessing, it was so nice having him by my side. This doctor was EXCELLENT. He was thorough (he had looked through all my previous medical records), patient, easy to understand, STRAIGHT-FORWARD and answered my ENORMOUS amount of questions. I was quite impressed with him and for the first time this infertility stuff sort of made sense to me.

He laid it all out on the table for us…literally in the form of a chart of some sort (I couldn’t see it but GQ seemed to find it helpful). He told us our odds of getting pregnant on our own were around 10 percent, not great stats but at least someone finally laid it on the line for me. He told us our next two options were Artificial Insemination and In-vetro Fertilization (IVF).

I will TRY to explain it to you the best way I can, which FYI isn’t elegant…

Artificial Insemination involves putting sperm inside the woman with a turkey-baster type device (I’m pretty sure that is not the official name). They often give the women medicine to increase the number of eggs she produces in hopes it moves along the process. It’s about $600-$800 a pop!

IFV involves a bit more work. They (the sperm/egg mixer people) take the women’s eggs and the man’s sperm and mix them together in a lab and try to develop an embryo from these two things, THEN implant it into the women. It’s a hand-crafted procedure really. It however is about $10,000 a pop! (And surely we all have a few $10,000 lying around, right!?!)

These are our two REAL options at this point. Well, there is one more we’d highly consider…

Fairy sprinkling baby dust.

That’s not to say I will EVER really give up on the idea we can get pregnant on our way someday, I’ve seen it happen to many friends after years of trying unsuccessfully. Plus, mentally and emotionally I’m not sure it’s possible for me to ever really give up that hope. However, we have to face the fact it may not come naturally for us.

Both these procedures are expensive and substantial but worth it if we get the final result. However, there is much to consider in our case. I have one, maybe even two, fallopian tubes that aren’t working well. One, in fact, was not working at all last check and may just need to be removed. We will find out in the next two weeks if I have one, two or no tubes to work with. If they both are not working, there is still hope but our chances of success are much higher if I have at least one to work with. Send good Fallopian tube vibes my way if you don’t mind.

For both GQ and I the reality really sunk it last week, for the first time we both felt like this was all real, that we were actually “one of those” couples who are the uphill climb to trying to get pregnant that infertility in our lives had just became REAL, yep, it’s REAL LIFE for us. GQ said when we walked outside after our appointment, “Wow, the world just looks so different now.” I felt the same.

For those who have dealt with this in the past, are dealing with it now or have an inclination that this might happen to them, the emotions you experience are so different than any other thing you’ve dealt with in life. For some being a parent is not what they want, and that’s perfectly okay, but when it’s what you’ve wanted for as long as you can remember the reality that something so natural has to become so un-natural, has to be crafted and scienceified (new word that I am liking quite frankly), it is a little heart breaking.  You go through phases of sadness, hope, disappointment, resentment, anger, insecurity and fear. You want to believe that this is, “happening for a reason” that “it’s just not time,” but that doesn’t always soothe the pain.

I’m learning that while this is always on the fore-front of my mind, life goes on. There are other things in my life that need improvement; that I need to work on. I am trying to push myself beyond what I know I’m capable of and push myself in new ways.

Me doing an "I love life" leap on a hike through Snow Canyon National Parik 2013

I’m trying to use this time to strengthen my marriage, after all that’s the cornerstone to our future family anyway. I’m trying to advance myself in my education, as much as possible. I’m trying to support causes that are important to me and participate more in community activities. I’m trying to take better care of my body by exercising and SOMETIMES eating healthier (throw in an occasional dozen cupcakes or so). I feel like focusing on these things will only strengthen me as a person….right!?!

And lastly you have to laugh about it every now and then…

Picture of Sweet Brown, caption says, "Infertility, Ain't nobody got time for that!

Where we are going next, we aren’t sure. We seek advice from others who have or are going through what we are, we truly treasure that advice. We pray and we plan the best we can for whatever step is next. Again, I want to document our journey not only for myself but maybe for someone else too.