tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37196651123559618802024-02-18T17:37:26.723-08:00Something Chocolate Can't FixUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger46125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-34277767427897533362016-04-02T19:05:00.001-07:002016-04-02T19:05:21.128-07:00We Fight On!<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaoCHAPKWnWvyM9VEg15W4kQ1z2RmwAoMXyt3ZrQAqgZjQvXD9w6zY6xN7MCHlV6ihBsffCyuSQQlLM4TXkzHVu22a5UBA3PJ2Mt7L1xvA5_lWzdW6pg46HnjAhe3EKq7cNFTZrSWtaU8w/s1600/fight.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaoCHAPKWnWvyM9VEg15W4kQ1z2RmwAoMXyt3ZrQAqgZjQvXD9w6zY6xN7MCHlV6ihBsffCyuSQQlLM4TXkzHVu22a5UBA3PJ2Mt7L1xvA5_lWzdW6pg46HnjAhe3EKq7cNFTZrSWtaU8w/s320/fight.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Self portrait with boxing gloves.</td></tr>
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<br />
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">There are moments in our life’s that change everything. These moments alter
the way we see the world around us, how we understand other people, how we walk,
talk, and breathe…moments that change us to our core. April 2<sup>nd</sup> has
become one of those days in my life.</span>
</div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">A year ago I lost a piece of me, I lost a chunk of my heart, my faith,
my hope…myself. We learned that the two embryo babies didn’t make it. You can <a href="http://somethingchocolatecantfix.blogspot.com/2015/04/trauma-negative-pregnancy-test.html">read
about the day that changed us here</a>. </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">In some ways it seems like April 2, 2015 was forever ago, other days it
feels like I’m still re-living every second of it. In the last year I have
fought demons and internal battles I never dreamed I would. I have always
considered myself to be a strong woman, I’ve always confronted challenges and
obstacles head on, and eventually rose through the ashes. Infertility however,
infertility has broken any sense of “strength” I once thought I had—it has
broken me! I have questioned my ability to rise up at every turn since. </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Anyone close to me knows I’m different now. I haven’t been the strong,
kind, determined, energetic, optimistic, fun-loving, confident woman I spent so
much time working to become, even if I am still her, I don’t feel like it. I
have been fighting tooth and nail to “find myself” again this year, mentally,
physically, emotionally and spiritually. Many days I’m furious with myself for “breaking”
for letting the cracks show through this year…for letting this BREAK ME DOWN.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I have been fighting…hard, to get myself back. I see a mental health
counselor often, I hired a personal trainer that I go to once a week, I have
stepped back from many projects, I have changed my diet…I am fighting to get
myself back. I may not feel strong anymore, but when it comes to fight or
flight, I’m naturally a fighter. </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Since April 2, 2015 I have become a bully. I beat myself up mentally
and emotionally to the point I’m unrecognizable to myself. I tell my body and
my brain how much I hate it, and I have become the mean girl in my own life. I
am working on this and trying hard to love myself, broken or whole.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Along with being a fighter, I’m a creator. I love finding old, “unusable,”
uncommon, broken things, and making them something I can show off in my home or
my life. Nothing brings more joy to me than finding something “plain,” slapping
a little paint, or glitter, or modge podge on it and making it special again. Our
house has few things that are store bought, or in their original state, I’ve “Deja-ized”
(as Lucas says) nearly everything to make them something meaningful to me. I’m
working hard now to do the same with myself. I’m not the same, and that’s okay,
I just have to find new way to Deja-ize myself into something I’m proud of
again. </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">It’s been a hard year, but it’s always been pretty remarkable. </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I have grown to love my husband in a way I never dreamed imaginable.
Our love has hit a new level in the last year—I have developed a new love and
appreciation for him, more than ever before. He loves the BROKEN Deja in ways I
can’t love myself. I have grown closer to my family and friends who have truly
stepped up, been patient with me, loved me at my WORST, and have been
unconditionally patient with me. Friends who have sent me care packages, texts,
emails, and love when I didn’t even realize I needed it. In times of darkness
those who are truly there to light your way, show up brighter than ever before.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Many have asked what’s next for us…</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Lucas and I spent much of the last year focusing on ourselves and our
marriage…trying to get back to some resemblance of a normal life. Lucas got a
new job, I finished my PhD coursework and started my dissertation, we have grown
new friendships, and have worked on establishing a positive routine in our lives.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Just three weeks ago, we both felt we were ready to finally address
what was next. After lots of prayer and conversation we made the decision to
try again with IVF. </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I’ve heard it ALL at this point: “Why would you put yourself through
that again?” “Why don’t you just adopt?” “Why would you do this again when you
are always saying how hard it is?” “Why do something again that will break you,
when you’re finally getting back to normal?” It’s really a simple answer, hope.
</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">No matter the pain we experienced we have hope, even if hope is
microscopic most days…it’s hope and it’s always there nagging at us. I suspect
that when you want something bad enough, no matter how beat up you are, how
damaged you feel, you can’t give up, because somehow giving up is even more
painful.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">For reasons personal to us, we made the decision to find a new IVF
doctor, to seek a second opinion, and to consider a different fertility clinic.
We scheduled an interview with a new clinic this last week (per the
recommendation of my sweet cousin Tiff), and on Thursday we had our meeting. I
was SICK as could be right before our appointment because I WAS FREAKING OUT
about throwing us into the depths again…but I also knew it was the right time
no matter how scared I was. It was an INCREDIBLY POWERFUL experience for us.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We walked into our new clinic and we both felt so peaceful, instantly,
it was magic. It’s a small clinic, MUCH smaller than our last one, and the
atmosphere is completely different…and we loved it. I have NO DOUBT in my mind,
that despite my struggles spiritually in the last year, that the Lord lead us
to that clinic that day. </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We met with a new doctor, Dr. H and we felt an instant connection with
him. He had some unique ideas for us, was upfront with us, and had done all his
research on our case beforehand. He spent over an hour talking with us,
answering our thousands of questions, and didn’t seem the least bit annoyed or
rushed. He was thorough and thoughtful, and we were beaming when we left.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">So here it goes, our plan.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I am going to try to carry myself this time. No surrogate, me! Of
course this has always been our ideal plan, but I have been told in the past I
couldn’t carry because of my uterus. With our last round of IVF however, we
learned my eggs were more the problem than my uterus, and Dr. H. has reviewed
all my scans and thinks it might be possible. In order to carry, I do have to
pass a series of tests, some of these tests I have not passed in the past. I,
however, have already miraculously passed a few of these tests yesterday. I
have several more to go, and there is always a chance I won’t pass them all,
but we’re taking the optimistic approach. </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">There is also a small possibility I will be able to use my own eggs too—how
great would that be!?! We are considering some options to improve my egg
quality—including using human growth hormones to improve my egg quality. All of
this is still up in the air, but the clinic also has one of the largest
databases of egg donor in the world if we need them.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Yesterday, I passed my uterus quality test (yes there is such a thing)
meaning preliminary tests show my uterus is in good shape to carry a baby
(size, shape, etc.), which we are obviously thrilled about! I also gave about
15 vials of blood yesterday which is still being tested—I will update you when
I hear back on this.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">There is an area of concern that I need you guys to pray and cross your
fingers for…</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">My ultrasound yesterday shows my ovaries are in pretty bad shape. I
have cysts on both my right and left ovary, and they aren’t small cysts (which
I have had plenty of in the past, and cysts are not uncommon for most woman).
The cyst on my right ovary is fairly large, but the ovary itself appears to be
in fair shape. To give you guys a quick lesson in ovaries (lucky you), an
average woman’s ovary is usually between 3 and 8 mL in size (this can vary greatly
depending on a woman’s age—this is a general guideline). My right ovary, with
the cyst on it, is measuring at about 23 mL, so significantly larger. </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Here is where things get a little concerning, my left ovary is in far
worse condition. I have a cyst on my left ovary that is 86.2 mL’s, it gigantic
(remember the norm is between 3 and 9)! I’m thanking the Lord that I have not
been in a lot more pain than I have been with a cyst this size. The point in me
telling you all this is that both ovaries have to be 100% clear of any cysts
before I can do anything with IVF, including determining if it is possible to extract
my own eggs. Most cysts go away within a couple of months on their own, without
needing surgery. If these cysts do not go away, they will have to be surgically
removed. Many times a cyst the size of the one on my left is operated on right
away, but because surgery can cause scar tissue (which I already have a lot of),
and can damage the ovary, we are going to give the sucker two months or it will
be evicted. </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Overall, the great news now is that we have a plan. We are ready and
willing to give it another time. Answers to how exactly we are going to do this
are still up in the air…but we’re optimistic.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">In conclusion, thank you all for your continual love and support in our
journey. Thank you for loving us through all of this, for listening and sharing
our story, for believing in us, and most importantly for continuing to pray for
us. </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We love you all and hope you will join us on the new phase of our
journey—I promise to keep you posted. You’re comments, thoughts, and kind words
are what keep up going—we need you and love you!</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">XOXO,</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Deja</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Below is a picture of gift I made for Lucas today. It’s a shadow box
with a picture of our little embryos that says, “A person’s a person no matter
how small,” a newly favorited Dr. Seuss quote I love. The frame has two little
butterflies in it, and glitter in the bottom…I was going for a snow globe
effect. This will hanging in our home as a sweet reminder of our journey, your love
and support, and hope. </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmjYDL4Nf1-oolmv75zYrmRW6v-R8rn89mVsIG8_680MNBugBVaW6AvS4KDqnrN238VJFgfKG_qE6WMHh3ggkMzLYg8HvoX_kTWLYMD6NHSvttqRAYkYyrs78Y7U-gc5tt4J27kqxLaXzk/s1600/no+matter+how+small.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="312" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmjYDL4Nf1-oolmv75zYrmRW6v-R8rn89mVsIG8_680MNBugBVaW6AvS4KDqnrN238VJFgfKG_qE6WMHh3ggkMzLYg8HvoX_kTWLYMD6NHSvttqRAYkYyrs78Y7U-gc5tt4J27kqxLaXzk/s320/no+matter+how+small.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-38615128080875531172015-12-27T20:20:00.000-08:002015-12-27T21:25:30.866-08:00Broken Hearts and Broken Crayons<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzgD443NffZUmj-ZQcgMXp-HAvNZ-GYdz-Z0g79rYQNh8GxIkMvW0SJ57Q_2043nwjPRi1Z3vpQCyfj0JBTJt9EAyw0A7EHZ4Ce70OiqMGFTqHmACuMD60HoZ5YPz8XnP_SSBPJNK0v39_/s1600/crayons2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzgD443NffZUmj-ZQcgMXp-HAvNZ-GYdz-Z0g79rYQNh8GxIkMvW0SJ57Q_2043nwjPRi1Z3vpQCyfj0JBTJt9EAyw0A7EHZ4Ce70OiqMGFTqHmACuMD60HoZ5YPz8XnP_SSBPJNK0v39_/s400/crayons2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">This Christmas I decided I wanted to make
most of my niece and nephew’s Christmas gifts, instead of just buying them at
the store. Lucas always looks at me with questioning eyes when I tell him about
my crazy plans, I’m sure he wishes I’d just go to the store and buy stuff. Our
house was in chaos the week before Christmas trying to finish everything, and
we made about 50 trips to the craft store.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">One project was my idea to make homemade
crayons, now when I say homemade I mean semi-homemade. I bought some cute candy
making molds (animals for Gavin, and butterflies for Maycee). I then gathered
broken crayons I had lying around my craft room, put them in the mold, and
baked them (<a href="http://myfrugaladventures.com/2013/12/fast-and-easy-homemade-crayons-perfect-gift-idea/" target="_blank">find the directions for this here). </a>It turned out to be an easy and
super fun project, and they turned out so cute (sadly I did not take a picture
of the finished product). </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">It’s been month’s since I’ve shared
anything on this blog—it has not been months since I’ve wrote for the blog—those
posts just never seemed to make into the public eye. I felt they were too dark,
too pain-ridden, too whiney, too everything but hopeful, to share. </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I thing this blog has saved me, because it
has given me a reason to write, to open up my heart (broken as it may be), and
to face my reality. My honesty and freeness in my writing has hurt people I love
dearly in the past, which has made me question everything I’ve gone to share. </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I’ve shut down for months now, I have
rarely cried, I have begun swearing a lot more than I ever have, I have thrown
myself full force into ANYTHING that could distract me from the pain. I have faltered
as a wife, a sister, a daughter, an aunt…I have dropped the ball in regards to
my responsibilities. I have tried to shape myself in a whole new way
(physically, emotionally, and mentally). I have tried to numb the pain with
nearly any method I could think of. </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The truth is, the pain CAN be numbed,
attention CAN be re-shifted, and your heart CAN be put on auto-pilot…but only
temporarily.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">December…as I sit here typing I can’t help
but think what might have been. </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">This month, right now as I sit here
typing, we would have our baby, had either of our embryos taken. We would have
woken up on Christmas morning with a baby! </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">It’s hard for me to understand that it has
been nine months since embryo transfer, it feels so fresh in my mind, it feels
like I’ve had zero time to heal when in reality, it’s been nine months. I wish
I could tell you that time has healed me, that I’ve gotten stronger with each
passing day, that Lucas and I have only grown closer, that faith has pulled me
through, that time has begun to heal my wounds…I wish so badly this was the
case. </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I wish I could FINALLY update you with
glowing news that we have a plan, that we know our next step, that we are stronger
than ever because of went we went through. This isn’t the truth though, and
this blog has always been about sharing our journey openly and honestly.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I hold on to a seed of hope that someday
soon, this will be our story.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I’m in a dark place in my life. I’m
fighting to understand God’s plan for me, and I struggle to reach out to Him in
my heartache. I know He loves me, as I have seen His tender mercies, (although
I’m sure there are many I’ve missed). I know He’s there and loves me, even when
I lack the strength to reach out to Him. </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Many ask what they can do for Lucas and I,
and the only answer I can think of us is to pray for us, because that is
something we are struggling to do for ourselves right now. </span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Somedays I feel completely forgotten about by He
who created me and loves me—I know I have not been forgotten, and I strive to
feel His love a little more every day—every so microscopically. I’m a broken
soul right now and I’m slowly finding new ways to fix me.</span><br />
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Lucas is struggling, the heartache is very
real for him. I see the tears well up in his eye, I see his anger seep in, I
see the heartache that he carries with him and yet I struggle to carry some of
his burden and he mine…we’re both hurting.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The options are still the same, what’s on
the table now is adoption, or using an egg donor through IVF, neither choice we
hoped for, but it’s our reality. We both have to be ready for the next decision,
we have to be on the same page, and God’s timing will dictate that. </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">There is this though, we will continue to
fight, to hang on to ourselves, our goals, our hopes, our dreams, and most
importantly…our marriage. We don’t know what’s next but we cling on to hope
that we will find our way out of the darkness and find the answers we long for.
</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Any kind of loss is a battle. It’s going to war
everyday with yourself, hoping that you will be properly armed against the
daily reminders of what you can’t have, what you can’t control, what you can’t
fix. Like this post, it’s not pretty, or elegant, or hopeful…it can be
discouraging, and exhausting, and sad. I have faith that this will change, that
someday we will understand the pain we feel today, that we will know the path
designed for us. </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I have learned that my timeline for
healing is not reality, that my idea to set aside 9 months to get back to me is
not long enough. I have learned that my healing might be a much longer
recovery. No matter what any of us may be going through, we must learn to be
patient with ourselves. We must take the time to heal, as long as that takes. We
must be kind to ourselves in our broken state.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">So what the heck is the homemade crayon
story about, well it motivated me to write this. I am still very broken, but I’m
still “coloring”, even in my broken state. I have grown to love a quote I
discovered through this journey, it hangs in my office, and in my home, as a
gentle reminder that it’s okay to be broken.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Broken crayons still color”. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Garamond",serif; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-55930020423870435942015-08-16T12:09:00.001-07:002015-08-16T12:20:15.193-07:00My Open Letter<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHosxs7_UHCzTs3hhqgPoZIimYFh-sKuKKPRKyk2mJocInDrr6vd2U9aTAahgF8QCOEQJ4KZTvdIlco9DJ1c-JuFBZUJ09DYCAIIEIurJxjCuIwvkn4e_X4TV8F3ohvIKN6tK96QvenKo3/s1600/My+Love+%252827%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="261" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHosxs7_UHCzTs3hhqgPoZIimYFh-sKuKKPRKyk2mJocInDrr6vd2U9aTAahgF8QCOEQJ4KZTvdIlco9DJ1c-JuFBZUJ09DYCAIIEIurJxjCuIwvkn4e_X4TV8F3ohvIKN6tK96QvenKo3/s320/My+Love+%252827%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
Recently I was quite moved by a celebrity. I recently read <a href="https://gma.yahoo.com/giuliana-rancic-why-im-proud-bill-rancic-101113796--abc-news-celebrities.html?soc_src=mediacontentstory&soc_trk=tw" target="_blank">a letter Bill Rancic wrote to his beautiful wife Giuliana</a> on an important day in her life. It touched my heart because I have felt much of the pain they have gone through in recent years...the heartache of infertility.<br />
<br />
I have been silent on my infertility blog now for a while. The pain I have been going through the last several months has shut me down, totally and completely. I have felt like I've had to take all my broken pieces and try to re-construct something that resembles me. I have felt ANGRY, more anger has come out of me than I ever knew had in me. I've snapped at people I love and care deeply about, even to my own surprise and shock. The anger element is something I didn't expect to hit me so hard. I'm working on overcoming this and am trying to find new way of coping with my heartache.<br />
<br />
I thank all of you have been around me and have been able to sense my heartache, anger, and resentment and have loved me anyway.<br />
<br />
Bill's letter to Giuliana prompted me to write a similar letter to my husband. An open letter of love. I cried writing this letter, but smiled too to know I have found the one person who will love me no matter what (he's proven that the last few months). Poor guy deserves a break, but he doesn't take it, he's by my side every pain-staking day.<br />
<br />
So here's my open letter of love to my Sweet GQ<br />
<br />
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<br />
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<span style="font-family: "A Gentle Touch"; font-size: 20.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Dear GQ,</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "A Gentle Touch"; font-size: 20.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">I realized tonight that it has
been far too long since I sat down to write you a letter. I need to do better
about letting you know how much you mean to me and how much you make my life
better. This year has been one of the hardest of our relationship together, yet
one of my favorite’s so far. We have hit the peak of our struggle with
infertility-finding out that we lost our final two little embryos-and that my
eggs are not even viable. Infertility can be absolutely draining on a marriage,
it’s exhausting, it’s defeating, and it’s painful in every way. If anything can
break a person/couple down, it’s infertility! Infertility has just been the
biggest of our trials this year, there have been many others little things that
have tested us individually and together. We always try to focus on the
positive and stay strong, but we’ve come to realize that falling apart,
together is okay too. </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "A Gentle Touch"; font-size: 20.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Instead of dwelling on the
hard parts of our year, I want us to always see the good parts too. I have
grown to love you on a whole new level this year. I have never felt so broken
in my life</span><span style="font-size: 20.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">…</span><span style="font-family: "A Gentle Touch"; font-size: 20.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">my body is broken, my positive attitude is broken, my
strength is broken, and my heart is broken</span><span style="font-size: 20.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">…</span><span style="font-family: "A Gentle Touch"; font-size: 20.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">but you love me like I’m WHOLE.
You wrap your arms around my broken soul every day and hug me until I feel a
little less broken. You stop me in the middle of a study session or tear-soaked
Netflix fling, and you dance with me. You dance with me like it’s our wedding
day and we’re dancing for the first time as husband and wife-you hold me so
tight and I feel safe for a minute. You wrap me up like I’m the most precious
thing you’ve ever held, and you take away some of my deeply-seeded hurt. I love
you! </span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "A Gentle Touch"; font-size: 20.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">I know this journey has been
hard for your too, and I haven’t always been there to wrap you up because of my
own hurt</span><span style="font-size: 20.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">…</span><span style="font-family: "A Gentle Touch"; font-size: 20.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">I’m sorry for that. I will try harder to be there for you
when you are hurting and love you with the zeal in which you love me. I often
lately feel forgotten by God, like why is he giving me this kind of heartache,
but He always reminds me, “Deja, I gave you Lucas!” I know you’re my gift,
always have always will. Thank you babe! :):</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "A Gentle Touch"; font-size: 20.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Always & Forever</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "A Gentle Touch"; font-size: 20.0pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">I love you and I like you,<br />
Deja</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-48056100543357580372015-05-06T17:36:00.005-07:002015-05-06T17:36:32.768-07:00Dark Days<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="dark-days" class="lazy-img attachment-full animated fadeIn" data-bttrlazyloading-lg="{"src":"http:\/\/cdn-media-2.lifehack.org\/wp-content\/files\/2012\/11\/dark-days.jpg","width":1000,"height":793}" data-bttrlazyloading-md="{"src":"http:\/\/cdn-media-2.lifehack.org\/wp-content\/files\/2012\/11\/dark-days.jpg","width":1000,"height":793}" data-bttrlazyloading-sm="{"src":"http:\/\/cdn-media-2.lifehack.org\/wp-content\/files\/2012\/11\/dark-days-380x301.jpg","width":380,"height":301}" data-bttrlazyloading-xs="{"src":"http:\/\/cdn-media-2.lifehack.org\/wp-content\/files\/2012\/11\/dark-days-380x301.jpg","width":380,"height":301}" data-lh-image-id="36016" height="316" src="http://cdn-media-2.lifehack.org/wp-content/files/2012/11/dark-days.jpg" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="Dark-Days" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Image found<a href="http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/how-to-beat-the-dark-days-blues.html" target="_blank">here</a>. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">For any one of you who ever experienced a
tragedy in your life, you most likely understand this post all too well. In the
midst of the storm, when lightening first strikes and the pain and heartache is
fresh, you are surrounded by people. You are wrapped in a warm blanket as the
rain (and the world) come crashing down around you. You get phone calls, texts,
messages, people coming by with food and gifts, more offers for help than you know
what to do with when the storm first strikes. You might be experiencing the
greatest heartache of your life, but you are surrounding with arms and helping
hands. If you’ve ever been through this, you know how comforting this feeling
is. You also know what comes next…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">The sun comes out, well for the rest of the
world the sun comes out. For you, you might have a brief time period where you
are hanging on to the lingering love that’s just been poured down on you. But
then, then you suddenly find yourself curled up in ball lost, confused,
heartbroken, ALONE, scared, devastated, depressed… The phone is no longer
blowing up, Social Media is quiet, your house has become a disaster (you feel
like your life has too), you struggle to get dressed, you can’t focus on
anything you need to, you cry all the time and if you’re aren’t crying you’re
on the verge of… The energy from others you once used to sustain you has run
out. You feel broken, lost and so incredibly alone.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">For many, the days after the harsh storm are
the darkest, and the hardest. It makes sense, people have to move forward with
their lives, they too get exhausted reading, hearing, following your story, and
you can understand, it’s exhausting! But for you, the one still in the midst of
the storm, it is debilitating and moving on seems impossible. You want to move
forward as well but sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can’t. You’re
stuck. You’re moving forward but it’s like being on a treadmill, you go
nowhere. Your heart is still broken, it still aches as much as it did the day
the lightning struck. You find that people expect you to get back on track with
life, work, study, be a parent, be a spouse, keep up on chores, fulfill your commitments,
finish projects…you can’t blame them, things have to get done, you certainly
can’t drown in your tears forever. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">But…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">Pain has no expiration date. You don’t have one
or two weeks/months/years to get over it and move forward, your heart and your
brain don’t work that way. When those around you have moved forward from your
story, you still have to live it, EVERY SINGLE DAY, every SINGLE WAKING HOUR.
Your heart has NOT stopped working, you still find yourself shivering alone in
the rain, and although this time you have to find the strength to wrap yourself
up. It’s dark, the days following the storm are so, so dark. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">Someone close to me said to me a week after we
lost our embryos, “Smile, life goes on!” I wanted to punch her in the face. Everyone
talks about the rainbow that appears after a storm, but it doesn’t seem to
appear for you. You try your hardest to see it, but you see a dark sky. Some days
the literal sun is out and you hate it, after all how could it be shining when
your heart is aching so badly. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">The dark days following the storm can seem lonely,
scary and bleak, there is no rainbow, although people might try to point it out
to you. Will the rainbow come, I imagine it will, it has always eventually came
for me. I’m in the midst of my dark days, I don’t have an answer for you as to
how to get through it, how to survive it, but can only simply say you’re not alone
after all I’m just another girl sitting here hoping for a rainbow, too and I
love you broken and all. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">XOXO,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Batang;">Deja</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-25603029313274111282015-05-05T08:55:00.001-07:002015-05-05T08:55:16.605-07:00The Easy Part<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEia2kdAnQSa5qCUt9PHDBgKP5akqzaGKPUwps05io1mRaTbYZmPjdGHFH9bEOXBa6UN4wyuhM1s62tG5jnivRjROV1bQvfqEZHOe4uAvuETgO5md-KmGo4SKEQ3sZOF904f72m58OK32uE5/s1600/Lucas.2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEia2kdAnQSa5qCUt9PHDBgKP5akqzaGKPUwps05io1mRaTbYZmPjdGHFH9bEOXBa6UN4wyuhM1s62tG5jnivRjROV1bQvfqEZHOe4uAvuETgO5md-KmGo4SKEQ3sZOF904f72m58OK32uE5/s400/Lucas.2.jpg" width="225" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">I
have wanted to write this post for some time now, and today seems like the
perfect day. Today is Cinco de Mayo, but it’s also my favorite human’s birthday.
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Lucas
and I met almost 8 years ago on our first day of graduate school. For him it
was love at first sight, he said he knew he would marry me as soon as he saw
me. I was just freshly coming out of a divorce and was beyond okay with being
single, in fact I preferred it. Lucas was persistent though and kept offering
me a ride home after class in which I continuously rejected. One night after
class, my “best friends” refused to give ma a ride home and “made” me get a
ride with Lucas. I’m so glad they did.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Just
months after meeting, Lucas was deployed to Iraq for a year. I had no clue what
I was getting into when I chose to love an Army man, especially one who was
being deployed. I struggled immensely through his deployment and we grew apart
during that time. I had no idea what to do, I struggled to understand my
feelings, I had no military support system, and because of this we grew apart,
we never stopped loving each other, but we grew apart. The days nearing the end
of his deployment and his return still break my heart to think about. He was
broken, I was broken and we couldn’t each piece ourselves together enough to
make it work. We both spent time tackling our own demons and eventually we came
back together, each of us stronger and better prepared for each other. That
time was one of the darkest of our lives but when it was over, the light was
brighter and stronger. I have grown to love this Army man beyond anything I
knew I was capable of.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Lucas
and I have actually had a very easy marriage. We’ve been through career changes,
PTSD, graduate school, failed infertility treatments, illness and much more but
it has actually been pretty easy. Being married to Lucas isn’t hard; he makes
it easy and even enjoyable. Even in our darkest hours, especially through
infertility, our marriage has never been in trouble. We have grown to love each
other in a way that I don’t think either of us thought would be possible. Life
has been hard, but our marriage hasn’t been. I find it so easy to love Lucas.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Lucas
has been everything I’ve needed through our infertility journey. He is always
there for me when I need it, even though he doesn’t always know how to help me.
He has been a listener, a punching bag, a rock, a comforter, a human tissue
box, a constant companion, and a patient, patient man. If there is anything
than can test the strength of a marriage, it’s infertility. The pain that comes
with infertility is excruciating at times and unbearable, this can cause a
great strain to a marriage. When you have to face one of the most surreal
heartaches life can bring, it can break a strong marriage. Infertility can
indeed break a marriage, but it can also increase its strength. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Through
all the heartache, pain and loss, one thing has been constant, Lucas. He
reassures me daily of how much he loves me, of how I’m his favorite part of
every day, of how beautiful I am; of how strong I am…he’s my constant.
Infertility is hard, but with the right partner, it’s a little less hard.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Happy
Birthday Lucas!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnzRgi-z14aff5R_BwQNxpNQktJUOauadJ3gVn290-DC64Do8LSnwotk1Y8lmDgdhUaRMy2MqQkRxqrQBffYyWRubejMybTWgZzBCbtiNLFYCH-6KU4GYqKqYGLcqzfK0pfle2qfttJvA-/s1600/broken+rose.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnzRgi-z14aff5R_BwQNxpNQktJUOauadJ3gVn290-DC64Do8LSnwotk1Y8lmDgdhUaRMy2MqQkRxqrQBffYyWRubejMybTWgZzBCbtiNLFYCH-6KU4GYqKqYGLcqzfK0pfle2qfttJvA-/s1600/broken+rose.jpg" height="400" width="268" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Have
you ever hurt so badly that you feel like you are walking around with “broken”
written on your forehead? That not matter how hard you try to cover up your
pain with a new hair style, make-up or cute clothes, everyone still notices. You
get that look, more than once a day; from strangers who see the pain oozing out
of whatever you’ve used to cover “it” up? I have felt this way lately, although
it’s a rare day anymore that I have the energy to “cover it up.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
met with our doctor on Tuesday for our “What’s next meeting”. Dr. F explained
to us, again, that what went wrong during our first round of IVF was that my
eggs compromised our embryos. Over a decade of endometriosis has taken a much
larger toll on my body than any of us had realized. To go from 14 embryos to 2, in
a matter of hours, is uncommon and disappointing, even to the lab. We used our
meeting to ask as many questions as we could about what our future options are.
There were a handful of times during the meeting I choked back tears as I tried
to ask questions that I’d never thought I’d have to ask. I did NOT want to cry
in that meeting and it took everything in me not to. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
plus side, we do have options, very, very expensive options. The one option we
do NOT have is to try IVF again right away. 1. We have no embryos saved up, and
2. If not treated, my disease will again just kill off our embryos. One of the
options we do have is to treat my endometriosis. I have been through this process
twice before in my life, to decrease some of my heavy bleeding and pain. The
treatment is taking monthly injections called Depot Lupron which should kill of
the endometriosis (temporarlitly-endometriosis will always come back). I’ve done this exact treatment before and was still unable
to get pregnant. I also have lasting side effects from these treatments
including early osteoporosis and an increased heart rate. My doctor seems to
think a low dose of this treatment, for 3 months could do the trick (and wouldn't cause any addition side effects). HOWEVER,
there is just a 50% success rate in that my eggs would be made viable again. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Our
second option is to use an egg donor. This would mean Lucas and I go through a
catalog and pick someone, with similar characteristics as myself, to be our
donor. We would still use Lucas’ sperm to create our embryos. This would
replace my eggs with non-diseased eggs and increase our likelihood of pregnancy
significantly. The down side-it’s no longer my genetics involved. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Either
option using IVF would cost over $13,000 (egg donation more). It would take us
time to be able to save up that money to do either procedure again. Ambree
could still be our carrier but want to work on her own family, so if we can’t
raise the money in time, we’ll be out of options for IVF. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Confused
yet!?! We have been too. We have some major decisions to consider at this
point. If we were ever able to come up with the money, we would have one shot
to make it work. There is this lingering, nagging feeling that I want my eggs
to be the ones to use, but a 50% chance of them being viable is not ideal.
Using an egg donor would increase our chances drastically of our embryos
surviving, but the eggs won’t be mine. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
will do everything we can to make the best decision for us at this point,
nothing is off the table. Adoption is an option, but we’ve felt VERY strongly
that we should try the IVF route first. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Money.
I hate thinking money is making me depressed, for any reason, but it is. It’s a
lot of money we have to come up with and it’s hard not to feel hopeless and
lost. We have looked into many loan options in the past and for one reasons or another don't qualify. We are seeking out options for grants right now, but it's time consuming and exhaustive--we're still working on them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">As
for myself, I am trying to get re-focused on my life before IVF took it over, school, teaching,
full-filling commitments, improving my marriage…all important things to me. Our
baby will always be on my mind though. Trying to function daily has felt much
like dealing with grief, losing our two embryos, realizing I may never be able
to create a baby, the heartache of our first cycle ending far earlier than we
had hoped, the financial strains…the grief is real and crippling at times.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’m
exhausted. I feel utterly broken. I feel like giving up from time to time. I
feel like I’m going to cry, or rip someone’s head off ever 20 second. I want to
pause life and take a break. I feel absolutely tattered. I can’t pretend today
that I’m okay, or that I feel hopeful, I simply don’t feel it. I feel weak, tired and
broken beyond repair. Much like this rose above, I feel severed and small. Thank you again for your love and support through this all.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">XOXO,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Deja</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">P.S.
Sorry this post didn’t end on an optimistic note today, it just wasn’t in me
this time. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-66020185087462973662015-04-09T15:36:00.002-07:002015-04-09T15:36:14.604-07:00Say something.<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="I sobbed at this part of the movie...because I could relate." class="pinImage" height="400" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/a6/7c/9d/a67c9d94ca9bc246ae58cfbf1c4008d7.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="282" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Image for the movie Up-Couple coping with infertility.</td></tr>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
As I sat on the bus on my way to work today, my 32<sup>nd</sup>
birthday, this song came on on my iPod..</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Say something, I'm giving up on you<br />
I'll be the one, if you want me to<br />
Anywhere I would've followed you<br />
Say something, I'm giving up on you<br />
<br />
And I am feeling so small<br />
It was over my head<br />
I know nothing at all<br />
<br />
And I will stumble & fall<br />
I'm still learning to love<br />
Just starting to crawl<br />
<br />
Say something, I'm giving up on you<br />
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you<br />
Anywhere I would've followed you<br />
Say something, I'm giving up on you<br />
<br />
And I will swallow my pride<br />
You're the one that I love<br />
And I'm saying goodbye<br />
<br />
Say something, I'm giving up on you<br />
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you<br />
And anywhere I would've followed you (Ooh-oh)<br />
Say something, I'm giving up on you<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was a dark, cloudy, rainy morning today as I looked out
the bus window and sobbed as I listened to these lyrics. It’s not a great
feeling when you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“finally break”</i> and
it’s on public transportation, it’s not ideal, nor is preferable, but it was my
time to FINALLY feel something and I took it in.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yep, I was the crazy woman on the bus SOBBING and I’m okay
with it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m 32 today, a seemingly irrelevant, unsubstantial birthday,
but to me a photo montage of everything I hoped I’d be by 32 buzzed through my
head, in music video splendor. I have to say, that I’m not ashamed of who I am
at 32, I’ve been through a lot, gained a lot (not just lbs.), changed a lot, loved
a lot, improved a lot, and grown a lot. I’ve had to go through a lot but I’m
glad I have become I’m better for it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course, the image of being a mom made its way into my
life montage. I thought I’d be a mom by now, I really did. I imagined I’d be
taking my kids to baseball or dance practices, (embarrassing them because we
have to take the bus to get there), helping them with their homework, picking
out their outfits, teaching them important things about morals and cupcakes…the
important things. There’s no secret that THIS (video in my mind) was how I
imagined life to be at 32. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know my self-worth is not linked to being a mother. I know
that I have had great success in my life, despite having children. I know that
I will be okay, even happy, if I cannot have children. I know that I have
accomplished a lot and that shouldn’t be diminished because I’m not a mom. I
know this, and I know I’m okay, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think of my friends who, for one reason or another, can’t
have kids, or have not had the opportunity to have kids. I’ve seen these women
deal with the heartache of not facing motherhood in this life. I’ve seen these
strong, confident, independent, successful woman struggle with not being able
to be moms, and I always thought to myself<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">,
“How do they do it? How do they move on when they want something so badly, but
they can’t have it?”</i> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After I cried through the song a few times, and let the
tears fall freely I was coming up to my destination. I knew it was time to wipe
the tears, hold my head up and walk into my work where I needed to pull it
together for my students. My students trust me to teach them really important
things, they rely on me to give them important tools for success in life and they
need me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I realized today that it’s okay to feel the pain and
heartache. It’s okay to let ourselves fall apart because life isn’t quite the
way we imagined it to be. It’s okay to <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">want to</i></b> give up from time to time. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BUT…we have a journey we are on and we MUST,
oh we MUST eventually pick ourselves up and face a world for which we have a
purpose to be in. It’s okay to stop, take it in, understanding why we are
hurting and face the reality of our situation. Its okay to say, “God, where are
you? Why aren’t you helping me? Why can’t I have what I want so very much?
Please, SAY SOMETHING!”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“And I will stumble
& fall<br />
I'm still learning to love<br />
Just starting to crawl</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Say something I’m
giving up on you.”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Once you’ve asked your questions, don’t forget who you are. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am NOT a non-mother. I am NOT broken. I am NOT a failure.
I am NOT along. I am NOT at the end of my story yet.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am 32. I’m a teacher. I’m a wife. I’m a daughter. I’m a
good friend. I’m the best damn aunt ever. I’m a student. I’m an advocate. I’m a
leader. I’m slightly broken. And I’m okay.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
XOXO,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Deja</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Listen to:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://youtu.be/BmErRm-vApI" target="_blank">Say Something (I'm giving up on you) by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Think i have heard members say something very similar" class="pinImage" height="400" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/61/b8/51/61b851ffab24b8f4596c8e18e3cfb81f.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="153" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Perhaps strenght doesn't reside in having never been broken...but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-2355914154308525262015-04-05T21:00:00.001-07:002015-04-07T18:36:40.550-07:00Trauma: A Negative Pregnancy Test<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE21lohx7lUHNZQFXY-IYIlBHbxI2H_G7k-GZCDu-vTlh9XNZm00zlzZ5quyawpXm-9d7Nl9xPZk20XEM1TK_aOd6rC78klDFqkLdLV3urcQX8gidzzzRVmRgskzqSQZu_ScWDTmxPEGv2/s1600/dream+board.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE21lohx7lUHNZQFXY-IYIlBHbxI2H_G7k-GZCDu-vTlh9XNZm00zlzZ5quyawpXm-9d7Nl9xPZk20XEM1TK_aOd6rC78klDFqkLdLV3urcQX8gidzzzRVmRgskzqSQZu_ScWDTmxPEGv2/s1600/dream+board.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our Dream Board</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> These
last couple of days have caused me to look back on my life and the times I’ve
experienced trauma. Psychological trauma is defined as <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“a very difficult or unpleasant experience that causes someone to have
mental or emotional problems usually for a long time.” </i>I have faced trauma
in my life on a few occasions. I have had to understand death from an early
age, and many, many times since. I found out at 12 years of age that I was “infertile.” I lost my dad (to cancer), my first marriage, my brother (to prison), and my "second dad" (to suicide)…in the
course of 6 months. I shortly after found my incredible husband only to have
him deploy to Iraq just months later-and return a different person because of
PTSD. Trauma has impacted my life on more than one occasion. I know the
feeling, I know the pain, and I sincerely know the sensation of the “unpleasant
experience”. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Just
two weeks ago we walked into a doctor’s office to be told that of our 14
embryo, we had two that survived. We transferred those two, weak, tired,
falling-apart embryo just 12 days ago. Thursday (April 2, 2015), Lucas and I
woke up early as we waited for the phone call that could change our lives, it
was BETA day, the day we found out the results of our pregnancy test. We paced,
tried watching Netflix, and called the doctor’s office several times… I couldn’t
take it anymore so we went over to my sister’s house to wait for the call
there. We played with her kids, ate breakfast and tried doing anything we could
to keep our minds occupied. Lucas finally decided to call the doctor around 11:00
a.m., this time he got through to our IVF coordinator T. This poor lady has the
best/hardest job in the world giving patients the answer to the most important
pregnancy test of their lives. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Lucas
had us all on speaker phone when T told us that our pregnancy test came back
negative.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
collapsed on my sister’s stairs in the most intense heartache; I felt like I
was dying. Lucas finished the conversation and I heard T say, “From the bottom
of my heart, I am so, so sorry.” I believe her, and her words have stuck with
me, even in my darkest moments.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
moment we learned we had nothing left, no embryo, no growing baby, no more
money…our world stopped spinning. Anyone who has faced a trauma knows that it
is that moment you feel the most helpless, lifeless, excruciating pain you’ll
ever feel. You forget how to breathe, it suddenly feels as though your heart
forgot how to beat, you suddenly feel empty and hopeless, and standing up seems
impossible. It feels as though you forgot how to put one foot in front of the
other, how to come up with words, how to exist…it’s oh so surreal and so
painful. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
have been going through a wide array of emotions these last few days, some come
and go, some linger, and some come in hard-crashing waves. At some point, you
have to figure out how to climb out of your safe zone (my bed), walk out into
the world, and face a planet that has already moved forward without you. The
heartache is crippling at times, you find it hard to hold your head up. I have
been walking around for days with bags under my eyes, acne all over my face, tear-stained
cheeks, no sign of make-up or hair-doing attempts…the few visible signs of my
utter heartache. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">There
have been moments I’ve confessed to the Lord that I would do ANYTHING for Him to
take away my heartache just long enough for me to function. I have pleaded for
some kind of understanding as to why!?! I have longed to feel some kind of
peace, and in some moments I have, in others I have crumbled to my knees and succumbed
to pure sorrow.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Since
our transfer day, I have had the picture of our two little embryos hanging on
my “dream board” above my desk. I didn’t take them down when we got the news,
but I did cover them with a sweet yellow sunshine a friend of mine sent me.
Last night, Lucas and I had a conversation that went something like this…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Lucas:
So Dej, what did you do with the picture of our embryos?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Me:
They’re still there I just covered them with the sunshine picture.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Lucas:
Oh, well I don’t like it that you covered them up. Can you hang them up so we
can see them again?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Me:
Sure, it was just too painful for me to stare at them. Why do you want to see
them?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Lucas:
Well they make me happy, they are ours! I love them and I want to see them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">This
conversation touched my heart deeply. I also love our little embryos but felt sort
of strange loving something that never made it past the stage of being an
embryo. Lucas reminded me that they were ours, they were our two lone
survivors, they hung on long enough so we could see them, and grow to love
them, and get a picture of them, and most importantly, they were a combination
of the two of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">us</i>. This is one of the
many reasons I love my husband, he isn’t afraid to feel whatever he feels, he
isn’t ashamed of who he is or what he loves, he’s a beacon of hope for me when
I can’t find it myself. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
lost our little embryos, they were the only two to survive. We have no more
stored up for us to use at another day. We have exhausted all of our personal
financial resources. My eggs are contaminated and therefor may never be viable
or able to sustain an embryo. We have no second chance (this round) to try
again. There have been many times these last few days our options for
parenthood have seemed bleak and unattainable. I have read comments like “everything
happens for a reason,” and “it’s just not the right time…” and honestly, I’ve
wanted to punch these people in the face, HARD. I’ve screamed and yelled and
told the world, myself and my body…how much I hate them and how they have
failed me. I have had moments of rage and frustration that are hard to explain.
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Many
have asked, “What’s next?” and truthfully, we don’t know. I told Lucas before
we found out the results of our pregnancy test that I’m not sure I could do
this again emotionally, mentally or physically…I’m exhausted. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">But…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’ve
realized, from the moment we got our negative pregnancy test that I am not
done. I cannot give up on being a mom. I cannot stop going after something I
want THIS much. I cannot walk away empty handed. I also cannot let bitterness
and anger take over me. I cannot let my faith in my Savior Jesus Christ slip
through my fingertips because I truly don’t understand his plan right now. I
cannot stop believing that my day will come. I cannot walk away and pretend
that other great accomplishments in my life are equal to my desire to be a mom.
I cannot pretend that I get the plan for me, but I also cannot forget that there
is one. I cannot quit. I cannot let this be how our story ends. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Of
all the array of emotions I’ve felt this week, I have come to an over-whelming
conclusion.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
are loved. Oh. My. Goodness…are we loved. I’ve received hundreds of messages,
texts, letters, phone calls, emails, gifts, flowers…the list goes on. I’ve had
so many kind messages that I have not been able to reply to them all, but I
hope you will know, they’ve saved my life this week.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">In
my darkest moments I tend to shut down and shut out the world, it’s been hard
for me to do this. My phone tells me I have a new message every other minute,
my inbox is full, I have no more storage on my phone, Facebook tells me I’ve
seen more hits than ever before…you’re love, kindness and support has been a
tool that God has used to get to my broken-down heart. You have saved me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Trauma
happens in each of our lives, it strikes us like a heavy axe and yet we must
find a way to recover. I pray for those of you dealing with trauma, and myself,
that we can find hope in our hopelessness, faith when we have zero of it to
build on, love for ourselves when we feel weak and broken and joy in the
littlest of things. I hope we can notice the love others have for us, when we
have none for ourselves. I hope that we can find something to sustain us, when
we feel we are done and that we can find some kind of calm in the waves when we’re
drowning and feel like we cannot swim anymore.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
don’t know what’s next, it’s something I’m not very patient with. I don’t have
a plan—but I know the Lord does. I don’t know what the next steps of our
journey will be but I want you to know there will be more to this journey, and
I hope you’ll continue on it with us. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">XOXO,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Deja</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">P.S.
I hope you will take the next step with us and join our group on Facebook: <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/1617696395115299/" target="_blank">An Army of Hope</a>. Here you will be taken along with us through whatever steps are
next, will get information on how you can help, and you will be able to
continue to help us find solace in our trials. </span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-22735803267032274792015-04-01T20:14:00.001-07:002015-04-01T21:08:25.576-07:00A Surrogates Perspective<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
past 7 weeks have been the craziest, happiest, scariest, and
most rewarding weeks of my life. When we went to our care plan meeting the
first week of February I left feeling more scared then I ever have in my entire
life. The amount of shots I would be doing the next 8 weeks where far more then
I ever expected ( BTW I am a major whimp when it comes to needles ). </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">My
1st day of injections I felt this enormous amount of fear lifted off my chest (
I know that was my dad's doing ). My injections have been a little painful and
my bum has became a pin cushion, but I feel I have handled them much better
then expected. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Emotionally
I have struggled a little. I have kept my emotions pretty private mainly
because I can't even imagine Deja and Lucas' emotional roller-coaster they have
had to ride through this journey. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Transfer
day was the hardest day since this journey began. It was our 1st
heartache as a family in the journey. Hearing all but 2 of the embryos
had fallen apart was heartbreaking, but seeing the pure disappointment in
my sisters face absolutely broke my heart. When Derek and I had our moment to
discuss things we had no doubt in our mind we need to implant both embryos to
better the odds for Deja, Lucas, and our entire family. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
past 10 days have been SO scary. I have felt so much faith for the most part,
but have also had my few minutes of doubt. My favorite part of the past
10 days though have been the amazing amount of support I have received. I
couldn't have done my end of the deal this far without all of you. My
eyes have been opened once again how truly blessed our family is. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Tomorrow.......
well I don't really know how to put into words how I'm feeling, but I do
know I have prayed, pleaded, and begged God for a positive day for us all tomorrow,
but most of all for a tiny miracle for Deja and Lucas. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<![endif]-->Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-90516322728638190502015-04-01T06:49:00.002-07:002015-04-01T06:49:57.697-07:00Waiting for BETA<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Think Positive Pregnancy Test Sticker" class="ZazzleWidgetsSppMainView-realview" height="400" id="page_product_views_view_mainView-realview" itemprop="image" src="http://rlv.zcache.com/think_positive_pregnancy_test_sticker-r7cf3a4ddc4c141e897f52be4f366151f_v9waf_8byvr_512.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
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<![endif]--> <br />
I have been wanting to write down my feelings this week for
several days now. I’ve started, but never really finished. It’s been one of the
hardest, longest, more trying weeks of my life. Any of you have been through
infertility treatments truly understand what “hell week” is like. The waiting
is excruciating!
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As you know, we transferred our 2 little embryos on Sunday
the 22<sup>nd</sup> of March, 10 days ago. It’s kind of a cruel joke to
literally know the second you implant a possible baby, and then have to wait for
10 days. I can’t possibly put into words what the last week and half has been
like for all of us, I know everyone involved has had a hard, hard week. I can’t
speak for them, as I’ve said before, but I can write about MY heart (or try to
none-the-less).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In trying to process the last 10 days, it seems nearly
impossible to do so. My emotions ride the rainbow of moods not daily, but
hourly. I have seen moments of colossal hope and faith, and I have seen moments
of unbearable heartache and pain. I have felts hopeless and empty, I’ve felt
energized and optimistic. I have sobbed because my heart feels so heavy, and I
have smiled because so many TRULY believe our miracle is on its way. I have
thrown up in a toilet, cried on a bus, curled up on the floor of my office,
called my mom/sister/Lucas with no words but loads of tears, I have not been
able to eat AND eating a whole carton of ice cream. I have smiled through tear
filled eyes, laughed when it took everything I had to do so, and have found a
quiet alley to walk into so I could finally “burst” with the tears I was
holding in. I have had hopeful, heartbreaking, tear-filled, angry, faithless
prayers go up. Life has moved forward, and I’ve tried desperately to move
forward with it, like a robot doing its best to understand and interact with
humans. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This week has been surreal.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Tomorrow. Tomorrow we will finally know if all we’ve done to
get here worked. I have tried in a million ways to figure out how I can prepare
myself for tomorrow. How I can ready myself to hear the biggest news of my
life. It’s the day before and I have yet to figure out how you could possibly
prepare yourself for this kind of news. I have many, many friends and family
who have gone through IVF who have told me over and over that there is no way
to prepare—I believe them. My heart aches when I hear these people share their
stories of heartache, over and over again, and then triumph and I’m reminded
that this journey to baby, when you have infertility, is long and painful…and
can end in great joy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I do not know what tomorrow will bring. If I think about it
too much, I feel my body shut down. As much as it might help (and it has
helped) to stay busy, IT’S ALWAYS ON YOUR MIND! It’s always there looming
reminding you that what you are currently doing in not as significant as what
looms ahead. I want to have faith in our two little underdogs, in our two
little survivors…I want to and it’s not always there. I’ve had to learn
(through therapy) that it’s okay to feel what I’m feeling, when I’m feeling it.
I think this week has helped me be a little more true to how I’m REALLY
feeling, be a little more okay with whatever emotions creeps in, and be a
little more understanding of other people’s pain. To some extent we have to
pick ourselves up and move forward, but at the same time, we feel what we are
feeling for a reason, for a purpose, and we have to stop, breathe, and take it
in. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Tomorrow. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I wish I
did. I don’t know what will happen when we get “the news”. I’ve played out
every conclusion in my head, over and over, yet there is still no way I can prepare
myself, or know, how tomorrow will go. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So many have reached out to us in love and support and it
has meant THE WORLD to us. Your words of love, support, faith and encouragement
have truly sustained me, have kept me moving forward and have saved me more
times than once. I know we are kind of all in this together, and some of you
are as anxious as us for tomorrow. That means so much to us.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, or the next day, or
the next. Right now, right now I have to face life minute to minute. I will let
you all know, either way, what happens tomorrow. No matter how hard it might be
for us, we’re in this together and you will know.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, stay tuned, the best is yet to come. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="May the odds be ever in your favor... and if they aren't, may your aim be true." class="pinImage" height="400" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/52/20/c2/5220c221661d64b0be2a4f9ccef0f0c6.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="323" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">May the odds be ever in your favor.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-31812843906627821912015-03-23T15:53:00.001-07:002015-03-23T15:53:19.473-07:00Meet the UnderdogsI wanted to introduce you all to our two lone survivors...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_NaFDPfgx6KiahyphenhyphenJm78P0UQOXUWFFd9hBRob_0qOMrP2dSe4ptyhrAFAjFXvRY-SIRP98YENjYaTerJCeRG7DdIBNPQB5cy8aiMkG5T96dgWJe2Wbbnc5YQ-yNDTFnIseRZ1wNlTAoDUe/s1600/embryo.full.sheet.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_NaFDPfgx6KiahyphenhyphenJm78P0UQOXUWFFd9hBRob_0qOMrP2dSe4ptyhrAFAjFXvRY-SIRP98YENjYaTerJCeRG7DdIBNPQB5cy8aiMkG5T96dgWJe2Wbbnc5YQ-yNDTFnIseRZ1wNlTAoDUe/s1600/embryo.full.sheet.jpg" height="301" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
This is a print out of our two embryo that survived. The one on the top (right) is our Tier 2 embryo, the stronger of the two. He's a fairly strong little guy, but you can see that parts are starting to fall off. But this little guys is not terrible and we are hoping he'll generate "power" from Ambree's uterus.<br />
<br />
The second embryo is on the bottom (left), he's the tier 3 embryo. He is not in such great shape-but we love him none the less. He is starting to fall apart, particularly on the bottom. We are hoping he too generates some power while in there.<br />
<br />
And do you want to see their first selfie...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMD6juBghHR7bUKR0HMeTipHsVfnIInKZM8YSDz4m_bZN6VuJyQQBgRia8tGqpAQ9WIiQ0McUaImStWzM15piRmKcGAHCz5zjPwjSnTFQVQNMncPPB1FanNEC-qGGbLJXc5P1pO1pIhOPm/s1600/Embryos.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMD6juBghHR7bUKR0HMeTipHsVfnIInKZM8YSDz4m_bZN6VuJyQQBgRia8tGqpAQ9WIiQ0McUaImStWzM15piRmKcGAHCz5zjPwjSnTFQVQNMncPPB1FanNEC-qGGbLJXc5P1pO1pIhOPm/s1600/Embryos.jpg" height="400" width="297" /></a></div>
This is a high contrast image I produced so I could see them. The round part is Ambree's uterus and right in the middle are two white, thick lines. They look like grains of rice or tiny little fish swimming. They are actually too small to see in a photo, but the clinic puts little air bubbles around them so we can seem them. This is after they went through the catheter and right into Ambree's uterus. This is exactly where the doctor wanted them to be, now we are hoping they'll attach!<br />
<br />
So these little fellers are who you are cheering on this week. Our fighters. Our underdogs.<br />
<br />
Go, emby's go!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-8908519092577816892015-03-22T17:29:00.002-07:002015-03-23T05:00:04.541-07:00The Underdogs: Transfer Day<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs9khyvAAgzAB6YjuFEClN2bfBR3UwMi_tvFGNUtE_ieCRpNNJthUIMTn-gsNdXJ3xZ0akvpleHNSbDnvdCAkEFRYN1qWwfLOLUW9mNqZ-VBG4Af0CCRVllND1n7qCYAQhvdAdMh8Uui95/s1600/Transfer+Day.2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs9khyvAAgzAB6YjuFEClN2bfBR3UwMi_tvFGNUtE_ieCRpNNJthUIMTn-gsNdXJ3xZ0akvpleHNSbDnvdCAkEFRYN1qWwfLOLUW9mNqZ-VBG4Af0CCRVllND1n7qCYAQhvdAdMh8Uui95/s1600/Transfer+Day.2.jpg" height="400" width="316" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Before our appointment on transfer day. Deja, Lucas, Derek & Ambree</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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</xml><![endif]-->I’m not sure I’m ready to write this post, but so many of
you have reached out to me, and have been anxiously waiting to hear about
today. Many of you have followed our story so closely and when I promised to
share our journey, I promised to share it all…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I consider you all my dearest friends and family—and we share our
heartaches and achievements, today is no exception.
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We went to our appointment at 3:00 today. Derek, Ambree, my
mom, Lucas and I all went. They tell you that transfer day is a big, special
day, at it certainly is, so we wanted to be there together. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ambree took a Valum when we got there, to relax her before
the procedure. She was then taken to a room, the same room I did my egg
retrieval in, and we all followed her shortly after. I had to run to the
restroom and out in the hall I ran into my incredible doctor, Dr F, he’s
wonderful! I smiled at him, and he at me, but immediately I senses something
just wasn’t right. We went into the room and Dr. F came in shortly after. He
sat down next to Lucas and me and handed us a piece of paper, a black and white
print-out. On this sheet of paper were two little circles, which turned out to
be our embryos. Remember from the<a href="http://somethingchocolatecantfix.blogspot.com/2015/03/final-embryo-count-transfer-day.html" target="_blank"> previous post</a> he told us that we would pick
out our embryo upon arrival. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As he sat down he said, “First off we were amazed the
day after transfer that you had a 100% fertilization rate, out of the 30 patients
this month, yours was the highest. Then on day 3, we were still so happy that
we had 6 solid embryo and 3 semi-solid, 9 options, again we were thrilled. Deja and Lucas,
then something happened yesterday, most all of them started falling apart.
Today, today we have 2, one is fairly good and the other has already began to
deteriorate”. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>My heart stopped. </b>It sunk to my gut as I stared at that
sheet of paper. I was numb and my eyes started welling up.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">WHAT?????</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He went on to tell us that on day 4 we <i><span style="font-size: large;">“hit a brick wall”</span></i>
(those words are still ringing in my head). The embryo’s starting falling
apart, and quickly. He told us that my endometriosis was more severe than they
had imagined and was in turn, contaminating the eggs. All I could think of in
my head was <span style="font-size: large;">FAIL, FAIL, FAIL!!! </span>My body had failed me and now I’m looking at just TWO
embryo. He rated them between Teir 1 and Teir 3, one being the best, the first was a tier 3 and the second a tier 2.
In the blink of an eye I went from so much hope (6 solid embryo) to complete
and utter heartbreak!! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I stared at that sheet of paper and my heart burned. I
couldn’t control my tears anymore and I sobbed. Dr. F was so kind and
caring and said, “We still have one good strong one we can use today.” Ambree
asked if this type of thing was normal and he kindly replied, “No, to go from that many to 2 is not normal”. Again…<span style="font-size: large;">FAIL FAIL FAIL!!! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At that point I think we were all in tears and/or shock and
just kind of looked around the room at each other. Of course we would implant
the one semi-strong one and hope for the best, but what are the odds of it
working? He said it wasn’t great odds, but by implanting both the odds would
increase slightly. Dr. F explained to us that it was an incredibly hard decision,
but that implanting both embryos would increase the chance we would get pregnant—and
because the embryo were not of great quality, Ambree’s odds of having to carry
twins would be just 5%.<br />
<br />
Ambree asked a lot of great questions—she was super
calm and collected. I listened as hard as I could but felt like I was in someone
else’s body. We talked for a few minutes about what to do, all along Ambree has
said, “Only one embryo”, and I’ve tried to respect here decision. I asked the
doctor if we could have a minute to talk, Lucas and I went outside and talked,
and Ambree and Derek staying in the room and talked. It felt like I cried in
Lucas’ arms for a long time but I don’t think it was really that long. A few
minutes later they called us back into the room.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At this point Ambree was already prepped for transfer, the
doctor was in there and was already prepped to go for it. One of my favorite
songs of all time was playing in the room, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8-0i-R0gt0" target="_blank">“Clocks” by ColdPlay</a>, for some
reason it brought me some comfort. At this point, none of us (my mom, Lucas,
nor I) had any idea what Ambree and Derek had decided, but I knew it had to be
her decision. It was her body and she was just letting us borrow it. The doctor
preceded to “prep” her for implantation and NONE OF US ASKED WHAT THE DECISION
WAS.<br />
<br />
It was just a weird experience—and I didn’t want to feel like I was
pressuring her (although it was clearly about to happen anyway). The doctor let
me stand real close to the ultrasound machine so I could see what he was doing.
After Ambree was prepped, and they inserted a catheter to load the embryo, the
sweet women from the lab, who has a great Australian accent, and who was the
one who called me the first day to tell me I had a 100% fertilization rate,
came in with our embryo. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She repeated back to the doctor, “Powell/Hatch embryo” and
handed the doctor a long needle syringe. I watched on the monitor and you could
see one tiny embryo (that looked like a white strain of rice, make its ways up
and into the uterus. And then another tiny embryo followed behind.<br />
<br />
Ambree
decided to do both embryo to increase our chances and I cannot tell you how
blessed we are she was willing to do that for us. It’s something she has not
wanted to do, but in that moment she felt it was the best choice for us and I love
her for that.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At the end of the day, we have two little embryo sitting
inside Ambree.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can’t begin to document the emotions I’m feeling. When I
got home, I bawled and cried and screamed and yelled at Lucas. I was angry and
heartbroken at the fact that my body “did this to me!” That I failed at the one
thing I needed to do to make this process work…make an embryo. I still feel
like we had a huge loss today, a loss of hope, and a loss of a second change.
Today, the two surviving embryo are clinging to life—and that’s it. There are
no more to freeze. There isn’t a second chance this go around. There isn’t the
comfort that if this transfer doesn’t work, we still have “a few saved up.” In
48 hours, all of that went away. The two we do have aren’t particularly strong,
one is visibly falling apart already. My. Heart. Aches. It hurts so badly that
I want to rip it out of my chest. My eyes are swollen and red and I feel pain
all over my body. I went from an enormous amount of hope, to a glimmer.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
BUT we have 2 that survived! We have 2 little fighters that
hung in there long enough to make it to today. We have 2 little slivers of hope
to get us through the next 10 days. We have 2 embryos that despite all odds,
are here. Lucas is a constant reminder to me of looking at the bright side.
Sometimes I want to slap him for it, but it’s true. Today we implanted not one
but TWO little embryo. He is also a big fan of the underdog, he always roots
for the underdog when he can. So this week, this week we are rooting for our
two underdogs and we hope you’ll join us in rooting for them too. My heart
aches tonight as I write this—but I know eventually, eventually I will also realize
that the joy of what happened today. I will better understand why we are here.
I will know, maybe not tonight, but sometime soon, that even if this doesn’t
work out, there is a glorious plan for me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And if I may, please throw a prayer in for myself, Lucas,
Derek, Ambree and I, that we can find peace in our decisions, and peace in our
hearts and minds. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Join us in praying for, and cheering on, our little
underdogs this week! On April 2<sup>nd</sup>, we will know if they were meant
to hang on.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
XOXO,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Deja</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
P.S. So sorry if this doesn’t make sense. I’ll try to edit
it later.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-88871405186113345102015-03-20T20:46:00.003-07:002015-03-20T20:46:55.550-07:00Final Embryo Count & Transfer Day<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Gorgeous Purple Cupcakes" class="aligncenter size-full wp-image-78771" height="400" src="http://i1.wp.com/www.simplystacie.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/purple4.jpg?zoom=1.5&resize=300%2C450" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="266" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">These beautiful cupcakes<a href="http://www.simplystacie.net/2012/02/gorgeous-purple-cupcakes/" target="_blank"> can be found here</a>. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I mentioned earlier, we had 13 embryo the day after my
egg retrieval (Wed. 3/20/15), 1/3 of those are expected to survive up to today
(day 3). It took ALL day long but I got the call tonight around 5:00 with our
count.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We actually have 11 embryo as of today, which is a big
number! It's a little more complex than that though. Each embryo is
"rated" on a scale from 1-10, the hope is for the embryos to be
ranked between a 6 and a 10. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We have 4, which are ranked a 4, which most likely means we
will not be able to use these 4 at all. They are kind of out of the picture at
the moment.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We have 1 embryo that's a 5 rating. This ones on the cusp, meaning it could fertilize more and become a 6, or is could stop growing all together.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We have 2 that are 7's,<span style="font-size: large;"> 2 that are 8's</span> and<span style="font-size: x-large;"> 2 that are
9's! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So we have six that are within the range of "good
embryos". </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We are pretty happy with these numbers, as our coordinator
told us, "We just need ONE STRONG embryo". We are praying and
crossing our fingers that they just keep getting stronger.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So what's next?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sunday, THIS SUNDAY (3/22/15) at 3:00 pm we go in for our
transfer. Guys, this is the day I've dreamed about for over a year. I have longed for this day with all my heart, I get teary eyed just thinking about it. Ambs will take a little sedative at 3:00, upon arrival. Then Lucas
and I will go into a room and they will show us pictures of our cute embryos
and we "pick" the one to implant. I'm sure we will be guided in this
process by the lab--it seems so bizarre that we "pick" THEE embryo but
that's how it works. They then go to the lab, get the one we pick and we
transfer it to Ambree, at 3:30 pm THIS SUNDAY!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What an incredible process! I had no idea how much my brain
could think about embryo until this week. As weird as it sounds I think about
them sitting there in the lab, what they look like, where they are, who's with
them...I sound crazy right!?! But that's OUR babies and my heart melts thinking
about it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We need lots of prayers this week as we prep for transfer.
Lots of good, STICKY vibes sent our way. We need this feller to STICK!!! My eye fill with tears as I write this because this is what all of you, and we, have worked so hard for, THIS MOMENT. Transfer day is going to be a HUGELY emotional day for us! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thanks for your love and support! We cherish each of you who
follow our story and share in this journey with us!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
XOXO,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Deja </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<![endif]-->Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-30807005656015459222015-03-18T10:56:00.001-07:002015-03-18T10:56:43.951-07:00Eggs & Embryos<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Forget all the reasons why it won't work and believe the one reason it will | " height="400" src="https://s3.amazonaws.com/pf_images/prod_prayer_detail/53f693cb5322d73809834326" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="266" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Forget all the reasons why it won't work, and believe the one reason it will.</td></tr>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So it's the days after egg retrieval.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Everything went really well yesterday. I went in, they put
me under, I woke up and BAM, they were able to retrieve 15 eggs. This is a
solid number--a good number to work with.</div>
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Recovery was not too bad post-surgery--despite the fact that
I kept telling everyone how handsome my husband is...and may have told the
anesthesiologist he was a little handsome too, but no big deal!</div>
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<br /></div>
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I came home and just rested most of the day. I've had a
low-grade fever for the last 12 hours or so, so we are watching that. I did
pretty well with the pain, until about 10:00 last night, I had to take some
ibuprofen. I have not had to take any today for pain. I have been pretty
nauseous all day, but sometimes anesthesia does that to me. I'm doing well, but
still have that lingering low-grade fever we are watching out for. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Just a few minutes ago the endocrinology lab called me. The
endocrinologist has the most awesome Aussie accent, I love it. She said of the
15 eggs, only one was pre-mature (that's great from what she said). One embryo
didn't make it, so we have <span style="font-size: x-large;">13 strong embryos</span> right now. Within 3 days (Friday),
it's expected that only about 1/3 of those embryos will survive. We are hoping
and praying to have a handful (at least) by Friday. She said that age is on our
side so there is a good chance we'll have more than 1/3 survive, but there
really is no way of knowing. I will be getting a call on Friday with an update
on how many have made it! </div>
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<br /></div>
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My nerves will be a mess for the next few days, to say the
least.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I'm pleased with these numbers though, it gives us quite a
few to work with. So Friday, they will decide which embryo looks best for
transplantation, they'll prep that embryo, and SUNDAY is our BIG transfer day!</div>
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<br /></div>
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Everything has gone so well up to this point, I pray that it
will continue. I can't tell you all how incredible this journey has been so
far, and I can't believe it's coming down to these next few days. My heart is
racing constantly. I also want to just say how incredibly miraculous it is to
get pregnant. I always knew it was--but never to the depths I understand now.
It is a true miracle to be able to get pregnant, for everything to fall into
the perfect place! Watching us "create" a baby has been miraculous
for us and has make me see, without questions, that God's hand is in the whole
process. Funny isn't it, that watching science do its thing has made me see how
very much God has his hand in bringing to earth, life.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some have asked about our fundraising efforts. I have to
tell you that we plan on continuing these efforts. We estimated early on that
we would need about $20,000 for this process, and we have already spent close
to $25,000. It's all so worth it, but Lucas and I have taken out several loans
to make this happen. We never want you to think your money isn't being used for
this cause--it is and always will be. I hope you'll never doubt that. Thanks
for all who have already donated--and who will still donate in the future. We
promise that we will stop fundraising efforts as soon as we reach an end to all
the out-of-pocket expenses that keep popping up. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can't thank you enough for all your love and support. You
simple comments on this blog and Facebook keep me going some days. Your love
and generosity brightens my day. Your sweet text messages, emails and private
message mean more to me than you'll ever know. This process is trying and
having friends on your side makes an enormous difference. We love you and thank
you!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
XOXO,</div>
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Deja</div>
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<![endif]-->Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-32086014561092589452015-03-15T12:30:00.001-07:002015-03-15T12:30:06.923-07:00Our LUCKY Day!<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="St-Patricks-Day-Rainbow-Cupcakes-with-Sour-Powers-101-590x885" class="aligncenter size-full wp-image-20119" height="400" src="http://rosebakes.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/St-Patricks-Day-Rainbow-Cupcakes-with-Sour-Powers-101-590x885.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="265" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Find this delicious cupcake<a href="http://rosebakes.com/st-patricks-day-rainbow-cupcakes-welcome-new-readers-fans/" target="_blank"> here</a>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Well folks, I have 10 folicles on my left ovary, and 6 on my right--and on today's ultrasound, THEY'RE HUGE. This means it's GO TIME!<br />
<br />
<br />
Tuesday morning I go in for egg retrieval. This has been a coveted day for me for over a year now (even longer because I've only been able to produce eggs once). <br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: x-large;">So Tuesday, St. Patty's Day is </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">OUR LUCKY DAY!</span><br />
<br />
I got quite emotional in the doc's office this morning when she told me it was <span style="font-size: x-large;">"time to go".</span> I can't belief it's finally here.<br />
<br />
This means implantation with me 7 days after (approx. around March 24th) and we will take a pregnancy test on APRIL 1st. I've already informed A.M. (our awesome nurse) that she'll get punched in the face if she tries to pull any April fool's jokes that day.<br />
<br />
So here we are folks-the days I've been longing for. I could NOT be more excited today--it's an emotional moment for both Lucas and I both.<br />
<br />
This journey has been long and hard and this just feels like such a momentous moment for us--we are thrilled!<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-66626712813114958172015-03-09T13:46:00.001-07:002015-03-09T13:46:28.515-07:00Update: Growing Eggs<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="https://maknwaves.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/untitled-42.jpg" class="shrinkToFit" height="400" src="https://maknwaves.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/untitled-42.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="266" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Easter Egg Cupcakes<a href="http://www.eatsimpleloveyoga.com/easter-crafts-inspiration/" target="_blank">: Recipe Here</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
QUICK UPDATE:<br />
I have come down with a bit of a sinus infection, after a quick trip to Instacare, hopefully I'll be better in now time. I need to be healthy because we are just a week(ish) away from egg retrieval day! This girl's Easter hunt will be early this year. I know, bad joke. I am on heavy doses of drugs to get me to produce as many eggs as possible. The shots are BIG and THICK and not fun at all. Poor Lucas gets teary eyed giving them to me because I bleed. He is such a soft-hearted guy, the shots have been harder for him than me.<br />
<br />
I haven't had too many side effects with the new meds, but it's hard to tell what's part of the sinus infection and what's part of the drugs (fevers, hot sweats, sleepiness). Ambree is injecting away also, getting her uterine wall as thick as possible and read for implantation. She's bee wonderful through all this--a real trooper. It has not been easy for her but she has stayed so strong.<br />
<br />
I am hoping to start feeling some pain in my ovaries. Yep, hoping! I need to grow some strong folicles that will produce as many eggs as possible, so we have options. When I previously took a much milder drug to get me to ovulate, it worked, so all things considered, this should work too. We want those ovaries of mine to just go egg crazy! The more eggs, the more options we have for embryos. Cross your fingers those suckers grow this week into strong, usable, eggs!<br />
<br />
On Saturday, I start going in for an ultrasound every day, to check on my eggs. The day the eggs are ready I will go in for surgery to get them removed. I won't know until the day before that it's surgery time--it's up to my body to decide when that will be...but should be next week sometime.<br />
<br />
That's the news so far. We will keep you posted! Thanks again for your love, prayer and generosity. You make this so much more bearable with your encouraging words and love!<br />
<br />
XOXO,<br />
DejaUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-59981504923133013582015-03-07T05:54:00.001-08:002015-03-07T05:54:31.592-08:00IVF: Becoming a Druggie, the Thug LifeI try to update this blog as much as possible, but these last couple of weeks have been tough! I try to throw out a few things in here and there on our Facebook page, but finally feel mentally okay enough to write a post...<br />
<br />
I am on week two of Lupron injections.<br />
The injection itself is easy-peasy but there have been some side-effects..<br />
<br />
1. The pregnant belly. Because infertility likes to be super fun and super fair, the first dose of injections bloats your stomach so much it looks as though you are pregnant, quite pregnant. It's a funny game, isn't it!?! Here is the picture of my stomach after 2 weeks of LUPRON, it's NOT pretty but I promised to share everything so here goes..<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUtOHPdno27RlBWuLUax2IkYT-s3qGawvUj1wm0a3_I2Nll1fw1lNQfmqsd_tubdRIyFugdZkkBZgnEilwG95jsYkEHCkRE68-qYOqE89HA_CsJoEACx8j6AaJBSYFCdmePnzdUYlBTlzh/s1600/lurpon.2weeks.belly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUtOHPdno27RlBWuLUax2IkYT-s3qGawvUj1wm0a3_I2Nll1fw1lNQfmqsd_tubdRIyFugdZkkBZgnEilwG95jsYkEHCkRE68-qYOqE89HA_CsJoEACx8j6AaJBSYFCdmePnzdUYlBTlzh/s1600/lurpon.2weeks.belly.jpg" height="400" width="298" /></a></div>
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I've always dreamed of having a cute selfie pregnancy photo to share--well folks--this might be as close as I'll ever get to one--somehow it's not as adorable as I hoped it would be. :)<br />
<br />
2. I have had some minor bruising on my stomach, at various injection sites, but nothing too bad.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9A7HXY8hmQp9SZ09Y14070sMTP-cmOJHCcw_RxDOLDOXBV-LO6UG-zhn13ATFeOThNA4mhaGq3MG2Fl1XIbpOV-XdOX2WTtvVBpbHPrysRL-VY1xKk57G3EmkatapTypXnQ6V3XTkYHP2/s1600/2+weeks+Lurpon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9A7HXY8hmQp9SZ09Y14070sMTP-cmOJHCcw_RxDOLDOXBV-LO6UG-zhn13ATFeOThNA4mhaGq3MG2Fl1XIbpOV-XdOX2WTtvVBpbHPrysRL-VY1xKk57G3EmkatapTypXnQ6V3XTkYHP2/s1600/2+weeks+Lurpon.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
3. Mood swings. I mean all over the place. I haven't been too angry, just extremely sad. I talked to the nurse yesterday and she said that's normal--but it feels so abnormal. I won't even tell you how many times a day I cry...<br />
<br />
4. Joint Aches. I tool Depot Lupron many years back (similar to this drug, but a little more hardcore). Because I took the Depot I have had early osteoporosis and joint pain--taking the Lupron again seems to have re-flamed these pains.<br />
<br />
5. Hot flashes. No description necessary just get hot, real fast! :)<br />
<br />
6. Hungry, ALL THE TIME!!! Guys, I can't stop eating, seriously, I wake up in the middle of the night to eat.<br />
<br />
There are other small side effects like it makes it more tough to exercise, I just struggle to keep any stamina.<br />
<br />
OTHER THAN THAT...the Lupron isn't too bad. I have 2 weeks left of it.<br />
<br />
Now on to the next meds. Today I started new injections of <a href="http://www.drugs.com/mtm/bravelle.html" target="_blank">Bravelle</a> and <a href="https://www.ferringfertility.com/menopur/" target="_blank">Menopur</a>. These meds will simulate my ovaries and hopefully produce follicles, which will produce many, happy eggs. That's the goal! Here is a pic of Lucas mixin' up the meds. He's turned into a physicist/nurse/drug dealer...<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhncyB67UHKYVynNmj4RFfyoMSFpxGmwNE7bVUuQwTxLXF-sl5Au55M3909tYjUwjia_yjMj1Irh1BGwJi_gmnJJ8BQcpG3Kx9XQJDw4tV-b78fKVUpg0kSrjk7jNJLeBVOP75Z-UV4bDII/s1600/brevelle+mixing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhncyB67UHKYVynNmj4RFfyoMSFpxGmwNE7bVUuQwTxLXF-sl5Au55M3909tYjUwjia_yjMj1Irh1BGwJi_gmnJJ8BQcpG3Kx9XQJDw4tV-b78fKVUpg0kSrjk7jNJLeBVOP75Z-UV4bDII/s1600/brevelle+mixing.jpg" height="400" width="297" /></a></div>
I have to say that Lucas has been amazing. He looks so sad when he has to inject me every morning but he does it so lovingly. He's been a pretty terrific support to me even though I've not been the easiest person to deal with! :)<br />
<br />
As for Ambree--I don't want to write to much because I don't know how much she wants me to share but she is being a real trooper through all this. She has some nasty inter-muscular shots that are TOUGH. She has also experienced many of the same side effects with Lupron as I. We don't spend a ton of time together as avoid hormone raged episodes! :) No, really, she has been AMAZING through it all.<br />
<br />
I will keep you posted on how the new meds go. Not this week, but the next, we could be doing egg extraction...holy crap!!! It's happening...<br />
<br />
XOXO,<br />
Deja<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-30103334913119165142015-02-23T21:03:00.001-08:002015-02-23T21:03:03.400-08:00In Case you Were Wondering...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj40dEyv4VXoo8TfrSl3hKfTW5T9iDgMgfkjRYtRNtZS4nIYR3xU81A2b4WnvPSsj_rug2DJtG6QY7lKui2ITXgVK8rZUacucJQi9dSDNz9R9ZOfi-TdvXlK13CuAkOb8f8rzv5BDTu97NI/s1600/question+cupcake.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj40dEyv4VXoo8TfrSl3hKfTW5T9iDgMgfkjRYtRNtZS4nIYR3xU81A2b4WnvPSsj_rug2DJtG6QY7lKui2ITXgVK8rZUacucJQi9dSDNz9R9ZOfi-TdvXlK13CuAkOb8f8rzv5BDTu97NI/s1600/question+cupcake.jpg" height="265" width="400" /></a></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">Atkinson Baby FAQ’s</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">Do you have an increased chance of having multiples?</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">The short answer to this question is NO.
We are only implanting one embryo so our chances of having more than one baby
is slim. Many people, who do not use a surrogate, will implant more than one
embryo, to increase their chances of conception. I was the only one on board
for implanting two embryo, but lost the battle to Ambree and Lucas (which I
totally get where they’re coming from, too). </span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">Whose eggs and whose sperm are being used?</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">We are using my eggs and Lucas’ sperm, so
it’s 100% ours. Ambree is literacy just the carrier, this is why she is called
a gestational carrier, not a surrogate. A surrogate usually contributes their
eggs to the cause. </span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">Can you pick which gender you will have?</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">Believe it or not you can do this,
however, we are not doing any kind of genetic manipulation. Meaning, we are
getting what we get! We have no intentions of choosing a gender and won’t be
doing this during the process. </span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">Why don’t you just adopt?</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">This question has popped up a lot, and
while we aren’t going to go into extensive detail here, we just feel like it’s
not the best option for us RIGHT NOW. Not to say it will never happen, but we
feel strongly about this choice for now. Adoption is also VERY expensive,
emotionally exhausting & scary</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">—</span><span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">just like
what we are going through now. We fully support adoption and love those around
us dearly who have chosen adoption.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">Why do you both have to take hormone treatments?</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">Well, the short(ish) answer is that both
of our bodies are being prepared to do their parts. My body is being prepped to
grow as many eggs as possible, healthy eggs, and lots of them. My injections
are to give us many eggs to choice from, to then create an embryo. Ambree is
having her body prepped to be ready to take on an embryo. Her drugs build up
her uterine wall to its optimum condition for accepting and embryo. Before
either of our bodies can be prepped, doctors need full control of our cycles
and hormones so we both start out by stopping everything inside us, so science
can take over and control it. </span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">What if this doesn’t work?</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">If this doesn’t work, Ambree will try
again, up to six times. However, each time we attempt the procedure we are
looking at about $1,000 a pop. We are crossing our fingers we get lots of good
embryo and that that sucker will attach right away. HOWEVER, we know the odds
are good, but not great, so there is always a chance it won’t work</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">—</span><span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">but we are thinking positively.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">Luckily if Plan A, Plan B, Plan C</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">…</span><span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">.doesn’t work, we know God has a letter in the alphabet that
will work for us.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">FUN FACTS YOU MIGHT NOW HAVE KNOWN</span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">…</span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";"></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">*Neither Ambree nor I are scared of
needles</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">…</span><span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">which is great because there’s a helluva lot of them!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">*Our contract specifically states that
Ambree is no allowed to go off and get an ultrasound to find out the sex of our
baby without our consent</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">—</span><span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">why is this in there</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">…</span><span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">because
this is something I can see her doing! :)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">*We do NOT want to find out the sex of
our baby until delivery day! Most people (including Lucas) thinks this is
crazy, but my heart has been set on having the best surprise ever for as long
as I can remember</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">…</span><span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">so I won this argument (reason for above addition to the
contract).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">*The day the baby is born</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">—</span><span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">according to Utah Law---Ambree and Lucas will be the baby’s parents
until some unknown weeks/months later when we go to court and change the birth
mother to my name. So for a few weeks/months baby Atkinson’s mom and dad will
be his/her aunt and daddy. Awkward much!?!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cutie Patootie Skinny"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Shonar Bangla";">*If we get pregnant on the first attempt,
we will have a December 2015 baby! </span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-35299027344003028472015-02-18T19:21:00.001-08:002015-02-18T19:22:07.363-08:00The Little Wooden Box<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4Cd1dnQnaq_6VNdrvjf5oIB2LZu5R9v0QdQirzoW882ne7pnjJU7XSp1NiYKx6vkkgBKmSwm7ieJxNM0AD27Ev9thhc9HbkDfkJJI6qroUR9UdJwtKvbcZ4Z9Ppb7NckWxwmPOVRo7ecE/s1600/beauty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4Cd1dnQnaq_6VNdrvjf5oIB2LZu5R9v0QdQirzoW882ne7pnjJU7XSp1NiYKx6vkkgBKmSwm7ieJxNM0AD27Ev9thhc9HbkDfkJJI6qroUR9UdJwtKvbcZ4Z9Ppb7NckWxwmPOVRo7ecE/s1600/beauty.jpg" height="400" width="171" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Kindness has a beautiful way of reaching down into a weary heart and making it shine like the rising sun."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I laid down this afternoon after returning from work, just
simply not feeling well.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are times in my infertility journey I feel scared
(what if this doesn’t work?), alone (does anyone understand my exact
situation?), angry (why does it have to be this way?), impatient (when is it my
turn?)…the list goes on. I feel sorry for myself, is really what it all comes
down to.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I fell asleep, and as God often does, he answered all of
these questions I’ve had in my heart through a dream…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lucas and I decided to hold a small garage sale at my mom’s
dance studio. We had maybe 20 items, not much. A woman showed up at the studio
and asked us if we would like to look at a few things she brought that WE might
be able to sell. We said sure. The next thing we knew we turned around and
there were rooms and rooms, and rows and rows full of beautiful things!
Stunning rugs, sparkling decorations, jewelry, the most stunning quilts,
everything glittering! Lucas and I were stunned as we walked around and admired
all the beautiful things. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Suddenly, the place was full, I mean people everywhere! They
were filling bags and baskets, carts and armfuls of these beautiful things.
Suddenly I felt out of control, I couldn’t keep track of everyone. There were
no prices on anything. I couldn’t find Lucas. I couldn’t find the register. It
was chaos, but I kept getting distracted by all the beautiful things.
Everything was glittery, stunning and in perfect condition! I was so
over-whelmed and amazed. It seemed like hundreds of people came in and out, all
with armfuls of stuff. I wondered if, how and where they were paying for the
stuff!? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Soon it was time to end the “garage sale” and nearly
everything was gone (p.s. I had a few things in my arms—girl’s gotta shop I
guess). I finally found Lucas and told him my concerns: How will I know who
paid? How much did people pay? What if they just left with the stuff? (I even
worry immensely in my dreams-yikes). He just stared at me (again, very
realistic of real life). Suddenly, the same woman who brought all the beautiful
stuff walked up and handed me a small wooden, etched box…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In it was MONEY, so much money. Tiny notes (that I couldn’t
read). Little cards. Money folded around postcards. MONEY! I sat on the floor
of the dance studio, still surrounding the chaos that just ensued at looked
through the box. I didn’t count the money just thumbed through the piles. I
just couldn’t believe something so amazing just happened to us!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Later in my dream I sat staring at an ultrasound screen,
just waiting to hear a heartbeat…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have lots of crazy dreams. Over the years I’ve had many,
many remarkable dreams that have truly shaped my life. They have left me
feeling strong emotions and have stuck with me through life—I believe this one
will be with me forever.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I get donations, emails, little notes, cards in the mail,
comments on social media, letters, postcards, anonymous donations, phone calls,
texts, personal words, ideas for fundraisers…nearly every single day since we
started this campaign. My heart just over-flows most days with the love,
support and energy we get from friends, family, and total strangers.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My heart aches because I know I have not thanked each of you
enough! I get a knot in my stomach knowing I haven’t sent out thank you cards,
or even thanked each of you personally. I want to do that, I want to, somehow,
thank each of you for all you’ve done for us, and don’t feel adequate in doing
that. What am I really supposed to write? Thanks for helping us get the single
most important gifts of our entire lives! Maybe, but yet that’s not enough. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want you all to know, that no matter what happens, what
the outcome may be. You have shown my family the most sincere, honest, hopeful,
loving gift! You have opened my eyes to all I have to be thankful for. I have
felt your love and prayers, more times than you’ll ever know. You have restored
my hope in humanity, when the news tells me the world is bad and messed up, I
smile because I don’t believe it anymore. You have given my family and I more
smiles and joys than you could know. You have healed my broken heart.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Many of you have little money, and give what you have. Some
of you have given me a donation automatically EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH. Some of you
have given us a portion of each paycheck. Some of you have given us your
well-earned saved money, some have given me the left over souvenir money you
had from a trip, some of you are barely making it and have given to us…even
more than once. Those of you with the least money, have given so often. Some of
you have dug deep in your pockets to help us. You’re generosity has not gone
un-noticed—we have seen it and felt it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That little wooden box, filled with love and support, is something
I look at often, and I cry. I also smile. I am continually amazed at your
out-pouring of love, support and generosity. No matter the outcome of this
journey, I know we are loved and cherished and for that, for that I am forever
blessed!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All those beautiful things in my dream…they were you! They were
you shining and sharing your beauty with us. Without question, without second
guessing, without hesitation…you have mended our broken, beat-up, tattered,
hopeless hearts.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thank You!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
XoXo,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Deja</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
P.S. So sorry for not editing this, just wanted to get it
posted.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-71172585891786637602015-02-11T18:52:00.003-08:002015-02-11T18:52:55.242-08:00It's OUR time!<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Red Velvet Cupcakes - I think these were invented just for me. I mean, they're like a little piece of heaven baked into a single serving snack :)" class="pinImg fullBleed loaded" height="400" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/32/2e/d1/322ed1a79bb8e6077b9b6bf2e3e034f7.jpg" style="height: 500px; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; width: 334px;" width="267" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Red Velvet Cupcake</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
It’s been a while since I updated, so it’s long over-due. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">We have big news!</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We are starting this baby making’ process…like THIS WEEKEND!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This journey has been a crazy one, BUT nothing could prepare
us for our plan of care meeting.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Several times during our appointment Ambree, Lucas and I
turned pale white when we heard what we were all about to go through.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I honestly can’t explain my emotions over the last 24 hours,
since our appointment, I’ve cried more than I have through the entire process. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
REALITY became REAL!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So to try to explain to you what’s about to happen would
take a few hours (that’s how long it took us anyway) so let me tell you, these
March and February calendars (one for Ambree, one for me) are going to dictate
our lives…</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbUwQ4Pa-wegK2nHkMbypxD6pdADSjfy7vks1-JTawva6I2I0a8ZBf2aQ3sbfnoLv4ozNtyKhDAc2aIWppEBSW3WiC8c0zemfjNZ8cyVAoRfYNvIVnCCcraQX8MVICcio-mKcLPa-kS6Kz/s1600/Calendars.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbUwQ4Pa-wegK2nHkMbypxD6pdADSjfy7vks1-JTawva6I2I0a8ZBf2aQ3sbfnoLv4ozNtyKhDAc2aIWppEBSW3WiC8c0zemfjNZ8cyVAoRfYNvIVnCCcraQX8MVICcio-mKcLPa-kS6Kz/s1600/Calendars.jpg" height="270" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Let me explain it to you:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ambree takes a bunch of drugs.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I take a bunch of drugs.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Blood work.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
More blood work.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even more blood work.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
More drugs for Ambree.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ultrasounds GALORE</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
More drugs for me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
More drugs for Ambree.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Egg extraction for me (surgical procedure)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lucas does his <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">thing.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Scientists make little embryos.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We store them in a freezer.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They pick “the one”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ambree takes a BUNCH more drugs.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We implant the embryo.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ambree is pregnant (we hope).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Did you get that? Just remember loads of
drugs+sperm+eggs+science=baby!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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So all of this takes just 6 weeks. By April, we could be
pregnant!</div>
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</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIrYT2oEX4VsGlBB_bU2sw4gt5fkqhv7x0I-nwRcE46fIEhUDqkb2Nye0SjAzq9i3DaL8ntoRVuguPu6xhGZybgZkodr0QOQWwCe3aPXsUX4Uh8WMiUDxHAWvs0SChQnOI-jiRmZMC4CfT/s1600/Calendar+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIrYT2oEX4VsGlBB_bU2sw4gt5fkqhv7x0I-nwRcE46fIEhUDqkb2Nye0SjAzq9i3DaL8ntoRVuguPu6xhGZybgZkodr0QOQWwCe3aPXsUX4Uh8WMiUDxHAWvs0SChQnOI-jiRmZMC4CfT/s1600/Calendar+2.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Are you freaking out? Cause we are!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Between Ambree and me, we have to be at the doctors nearly
every day (including weekends), and will be injecting ourselves with a variety of drugs, nearly daily of these 6 weeks.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s going to be quite the journey, but holy moly, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">STUFF IS
HAPPENING!</span></b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There’s the details for you all.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We will need lots of prayer and good vibes sent our way
these next two month.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pray, send good vibes, think of us…whatever it is, we need
it!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We could never have gotten here without your love and
support!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So here we go!</div>
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(More on my thoughts to come soon. Stay tuned, we will
update you at least weekly…you’re with us now on this ride…hang on!)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
XOXO,<br />
Deja</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-77273437608024759962014-11-26T09:53:00.002-08:002014-11-26T09:53:44.818-08:00Make your Mess your Message<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyzpsyPDFsAV7R0jVnf-lSd9y0UV2suMzArjQPIbzG4Yu_ty4caM1MYRQV1PHjtwlvpK9aiYrgGM44u1lafALn1uxVB8NZU3WOdsHwfs_su_1i55SXg-whpZWtAm6kYI1DHzextywEJ1g/s320/Rav+Monster+Cup+Cakes.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="240" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cupcake "mess"/fail. <a href="http://pinstrosity.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2012-08-01T09:04:00-06:00&max-results=5&reverse-paginate=true" target="_blank">Check out more pintrosities here!</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I watched an interview this morning with Robin Roberts that touched me. I have been feeling badly lately about posting too much about our infertility "stuff." I know many of you are a little tired of it, I can't really blame you. For me, it helps heal me, bit by bit. Maybe a strange place to seek healing? Yet, somehow it helps! Robin said something that her mom used to tell her, and it stuck with me, "Make your Mess your Message!" Her mess has been cancer, and like many of my family and friends, she's a fighter!<br />
<br />
I feel like a walking mess, 80% of the time these days, no make-up, not dressing up, barely making it out of the house, a kind of gloomy persona, I'm sad I let it affect me this way. However, I've been also trying to be okay with this fact, that maybe, for this brief moment in my life, I'm still okay. I'm thankful, to social media, that I have a place to "talk" because otherwise, I might crumble. So just for a bit longer, you'll have to deal with "my mess".<br />
<br />
Thanks for loving me, where I am and thanks for your love and support, always, and for making my mess your message! <br />
<br />
XOXO,<br />
Deja<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img class="irc_mut" height="243" src="https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ_g_2IYjwKfMNc2N8oWz6k05Q3lButzolj09uHBMFhCIuU4THUew" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; margin-top: 75px;" width="431" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo of Robin Roberts</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-54526982330725065312014-11-20T19:20:00.002-08:002014-11-20T19:20:44.681-08:00Growths, Auctions and ThankgivingA quick update...<br />
<br />
I went to the doctor for my ultrasound, the one I talked about having <a href="http://somethingchocolatecantfix.blogspot.com/2014/10/our-biggest-news-yet.html">here.</a> Great news, I'm "weird growth" free! My ovaries BOTH look great and are ready for baby makin'! I was thrilled to get this news and I thank you all for the prayers!<br />
<br />
We are getting so close to our goal, we are looking at starting IVF treatments in FEBRUARY! Can you believe that!?! So soon! We found out this week that our medications are going to cost anyway from $2,000-$6,000! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! So that's a little crazy, right!?! UGH!<br />
<br />
Anyway, we are also EXCITED to be having an auction next weekend, where 100% of the procedes will got to our baby fun! The auction will be <span style="font-size: x-large;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">SATURDAY NOVEMBER 29,</span> starting at NOON (mountain time)! It will be so easy, you just have to go to our <a href="https://www.facebook.com/thepuzzlecampaign">FACEBOOK PAGE HERE</a> and like it and we will post all the AWESOME items there. There are spa baskets, art pieces, wreaths, holiday decor, home decor, treats, accessories and MORE! You won't want to miss this amazing handmade stuff for Christmas gifts! Please join us!<br />
<br />
Lastly, I have felt so guilty lately about not being good about thanking people. I've fallen very short on sending out Thank You notes to everyone who has contributed to our campaign. I want to say this, Lucas and I cry regularly because we are so overwhelmed by your love and support. I want you to know, what you do for us means the world, and I'm so sorry I haven't been able to thank each of you individually. YOU are an enormous blessing to us and a light that we so desperately need some days! <span style="font-size: x-large;">THANKS YOU!</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Turkey Protesting Thanksgiving Cupcake! by Edible Delights, via Flickr" class="pinImg fullBleed loaded" src="http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/474x/53/67/15/536715f194e12e4ca6a1d2756e55d21e.jpg" style="height: 640px; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; width: 516px;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Eat cake not turkey cupcake.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-70572349110209932992014-10-30T15:06:00.002-07:002014-10-30T15:06:36.431-07:00Our Biggest News Yet...<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Candy corn cupcakes Don't like icing? Get Angel food cake mix, separate into two bowls. Make one orange and the other yellow with food coloring. Layer, bake and add just a little white icing!" class="pinImage" src="http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/f6/ec/b2/f6ecb225a332c617dc4c513f7e8f9593.jpg" style="height: 500px; margin: 0px auto; padding: 40px 0px; width: 299px;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fall Cupcakes: Candy Corn</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Just a few weeks ago, I had a routine ultrasound for a procedure I am suppose to have done in December. They had a hard time "finding" my left ovary. Here's a really "fun" ovary story for ya. (Guys, DON'T stop reading...there are better things to come, promise).<br />
The conversation with the ultrasound tech went a little like this:<br />
Tech: Do you have both ovaries?<br />
Me: Uhm. Yes. Unless one fell out and I didn't realize.<br />
Tech: Hmm. Well I can't find your left one. Oh wait...I see a tiny little bit of it.<br />
Me: What????<br />
Needless to say, my left ovary is not exactly where it is supposed to be and likes playing hard to get.<br />
A few days later, I get a call directly from my doctor. She says to me:<br />
Well, Deja, we found a large growth on your right ovary.<br />
My heart sank. NOT MY ONE GOOD OVARY! <br />
Sure, growths are pretty common, and amazingly, in all my issues down there, I've never had one. I asked her if she was concerned. She said not really, but that it did look a little "abnormal".<br />
I hung up the phone in a little bit of shock. You see, I NEED MY OVARIES! I need them badly if there is any hope of me "conceiving" a child through IVF. I haven't, to this day, cried about it and I'm trying hard to just let it be. I scheduled an appointment for another ultrasound a month out, but the doctor called me back and said she'd actually like to see me sooner. That appointment is next week. Needless to say, I hope ovary L comes out of hiding, and ovary R is rid of all things abnormal. Again, did I mention, I NEED AT LEAST ONE GOOD OVARY!<br />
<br />
Onto better things. MUCH better things...<br />
We found out this morning,<span style="font-size: x-large;"> OUR SURROGACY AGREEMENT HAS BEEN APPROVED IN COURT!!!</span> In a late night session yesterday, our contract was approved. NO home study. NO questions. Just a go! I cannot even tell you how excited I was this morning when I got this phone call! Our wonderful lawyer said, "I've never had a case get through the courts this fast, I'm in shock!" Lucas and I prayed, literally right after giving the go to submit our papers, that the court would move fast on our case. Prayers are answered! It brings tears to my eyes, for month we've been saying, "As soon as the legal stuff is done..." Well folks it's done!<br />
<br />
What does this mean?<br />
<br />
We are totally, 100% ready to start the medical process of this whole thing. Just as soon as we reach our financial goal (did I mention, we are SO close), we begin the medical process! We are beyond thrilled, it has been the <span style="font-size: large;">BEST DAY EVER!!! </span>Once the medical stuff starts, we are just 8 WEEKS away from implantation! Can you believe that???<br />
<br />
We are in the process of moving to Salt Lake, to be closer to our surrogate (my awesome sister) and be closer to OUR baby. HOLY MOLY, our baby! It's so close to being a reality that I can't even focus!<br />
<br />
We need just two things from you, our incredibly supportive friends and family:<br />
1. PRAYER. Prayer that I will get good news next week, and my ovaries will be normal..<br />
2. A final donation. If you can, please consider donating to our puzzle campaign, we are so close and every little bit could help. You can go donate by clicking here:<br />
http://www.gofundme.com/dejaandlucas.<br />
<br />
Our dream is so close to becoming our reality, because of all of you and your generocity. <br />We love each of you and thank you dearly for your love and support.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>P.S. We will be holding a special online auction on Saturday November 29 where you can buy uniqu</i>e <i>items, as Christmas gifts, and 100% of the proceeds will go to our baby fund. Stay tuned for details and email me at deja.powell@gmail.com if you have something to donate. Thanks to all of you who have already donated!</i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-55322537135250080362014-10-06T18:42:00.001-07:002014-10-06T18:42:18.797-07:00Fall Update: Sign, Sealed, Delivered!Yesterday was a BIG day...<br />
We signed our official gestational carrier contract, all 22 pages of it!<br />
Thanks to our sweet friend Torrie, the notary, for notarizing this sucker for us.<br />
My sister laughed at me for taking picture, but any step closer to making this reality, is exciting to me!<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixT3QY7J2ziNwN900ri7ho7QWb1Mg4aB5ldW8L5TmmZXkQ7p_HVE4ZvtcFft5_xzGdXHMugH6XZ6ufwPf8CREGxocpgz6k1m5hwi-p44O7fP63nFOv5UfJdn4Ni6zDfSikas1NqOYsE97q/s1600/IMG_1078%5B1%5D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixT3QY7J2ziNwN900ri7ho7QWb1Mg4aB5ldW8L5TmmZXkQ7p_HVE4ZvtcFft5_xzGdXHMugH6XZ6ufwPf8CREGxocpgz6k1m5hwi-p44O7fP63nFOv5UfJdn4Ni6zDfSikas1NqOYsE97q/s1600/IMG_1078%5B1%5D.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ambree signing it.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg48WiQVGsXOeBCoefnOy7Eqh6TJ3Mvpe30t5zzIGcLj4ng-S1YdMyV8i0JQzJf1ZwJdcJe80H-t_Rk95uqAD-HxKgsz6b0DPtj3nDqKFNyiCwlnHRIRvJTI3o_6vy_p33GHYcHl6Wdxiww/s1600/IMG_1080%5B1%5D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg48WiQVGsXOeBCoefnOy7Eqh6TJ3Mvpe30t5zzIGcLj4ng-S1YdMyV8i0JQzJf1ZwJdcJe80H-t_Rk95uqAD-HxKgsz6b0DPtj3nDqKFNyiCwlnHRIRvJTI3o_6vy_p33GHYcHl6Wdxiww/s1600/IMG_1080%5B1%5D.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Derek signing it.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilzRAFVKIp4dlALCPGnnnxQ5xa4FY_FQgR6vn-Fyayj3jQipwkDy8sGf3LzkmAMUHjat8blIV8HggRpjxudpQkhzi34d_4X05Yc48uQ7Ps3fv6RMSmnNu2jg4nFKG7FHI04bPAxxjfIEs7/s1600/IMG_1084%5B1%5D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilzRAFVKIp4dlALCPGnnnxQ5xa4FY_FQgR6vn-Fyayj3jQipwkDy8sGf3LzkmAMUHjat8blIV8HggRpjxudpQkhzi34d_4X05Yc48uQ7Ps3fv6RMSmnNu2jg4nFKG7FHI04bPAxxjfIEs7/s1600/IMG_1084%5B1%5D.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lucas signing it. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDcRNLyWXyzpScijsIVO1ncq3Hwx4MKxvZrGkX7D5W8WhoHjaSU4ETmBGmf2haq0G63zoqUOWm5FbsADzXmE49dquucuNATcVEAt489Lbo2TTeFsiZ-MZgMh8L-XhORWYsbfcP635B9RBa/s1600/IMG_1082%5B1%5D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDcRNLyWXyzpScijsIVO1ncq3Hwx4MKxvZrGkX7D5W8WhoHjaSU4ETmBGmf2haq0G63zoqUOWm5FbsADzXmE49dquucuNATcVEAt489Lbo2TTeFsiZ-MZgMh8L-XhORWYsbfcP635B9RBa/s1600/IMG_1082%5B1%5D.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Deja signing it. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg635K9x_SfKnlNIrjAkgdC1h0xvJ0Iujjsd3S8ikmx0WLNiyeSUfj9cdUgtVop3pxbNSFb-TdpK97x606ohzTGhEgGzYoJu0TYRMxOxSmx3vFn1r_b2HiIPpXTcHzYVq2beeoCYJHx6XI-/s1600/IMG_1088%5B1%5D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg635K9x_SfKnlNIrjAkgdC1h0xvJ0Iujjsd3S8ikmx0WLNiyeSUfj9cdUgtVop3pxbNSFb-TdpK97x606ohzTGhEgGzYoJu0TYRMxOxSmx3vFn1r_b2HiIPpXTcHzYVq2beeoCYJHx6XI-/s1600/IMG_1088%5B1%5D.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Torrie notarizing it. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
We hand-delivered the contract to our lawyer today, paid our court filing fee, and now we wait for a court date!<br />
<br />
I couldn't stop smiling all the way home from Salt Lake. We are so excited!<br />
<br />
And in case you haven't heard, we are getting insanely close to our goal; we are LESS than $5,000 away from our goal. If you have it in your heart, and/or wallet, to donate a puzzle piece we will hit our goal before Christmas, maybe even Thanksgiving.<br />
<br />
Total raised as of October 6th: <span style="font-size: x-large;">$15,070</span> <br />
<br />
You can follow our progress on our Go Fund Me Page:<br />
http://www.gofundme.com/dejaandlucas<br />
<br />
Happy Fall to Everyone!<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Lucas and Deja<br />
<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3719665112355961880.post-17440696057138233742014-08-22T21:51:00.000-07:002014-08-22T21:51:34.013-07:00Puzzle Piece Update: August 2014<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Make tree for cupcake with chocolate licorice cut to 3", sliced to make thin branches, piped with melted chocolate chips, and sprinkled with candied sunflower seeds. Wait until set and stick into cupcake. Cute!" class="pinImage" src="http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/53/b1/68/53b1689cec808f14d68d314d19f85a4b.jpg" style="height: 400px; margin: 0px auto; padding: 40px 0px; width: 300px;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo Credit: <a href="http://www.womansday.com/food-recipes/cooking-tips-shortcuts/how-to-make-a-cupcake-tree-18321" target="_blank">Woman's Day</a></td></tr>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After much anticipation, I know you guys are anxiously
awaiting for me to publish the puzzle piece count! We have been over-whelmed
with love and support since we launched this campaign in January. <span style="font-size: large;">You guys are
ridiculously awesome!</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But one more thing first…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We started a Go Fund Me Page because I know some you are
very familiar with the site and recommended we start one, so we did! We are
launching it today and you can check out our page at:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.gofundme.com/dejaandlucas">http://www.gofundme.com/dejaandlucas</a>.
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>DON’T GO THERE YET, IT WILL RUIN THE SURPRISE!!!! </i></span>This site will automatically update our total when you make a donation, so <u><b>we encourage you to donate here!</b></u> It's safe and secure, we did lots of research!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Okay, but seriously just one more thing…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You can always still make a PayPal donation at any time. It’s
still up and running for you PayPal-ers out there!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Okay, one more thing…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
JUST KIDDING.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here! You! Go!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You guys are going to flip when you see how close we are getting...</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We now have...</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">700 puzzle pieces! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
that means we have raised/saved...<br /><span style="font-size: x-large;">$14,000!!!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>AMAZING RIGHT!?!</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: small;">Between your generosity and Lucas and I saving like maniacs, <i>we are so stinking close!!! </i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: small;">We are asking you today to please, please, please help us to get to our final goal, we are just<span style="font-size: large;"> $6,000</span> away!!! I know that seems like a lot to some but in January alone we raised over $3,000 so we can do this!</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: small;">Even if you can donate just a tiny amount we would be enormously grateful! </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: small;">We are so excited at this point that we can hardly wait. Lucas has been coming to me with baby names and nursery ideas, it's adorable! We are so ready to add to our family and hope you can help us!</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: small;">Even if you can't don't money, we can't tell you how much prayer, happy thoughts and kinds words of encouragement help through this enormous roller coaster ride!</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: small;">Please also go check out our newly updated <a href="http://somethingchocolatecantfix.blogspot.com/p/puzzle-wall-of-fame.html" target="_blank">WALL OF FAME PAGE</a>! You can also <a href="http://somethingchocolatecantfix.blogspot.com/p/puzzle-wall-of-fame.html" target="_blank">click right here</a> to access that link!</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>LET'S DO THIS!!!!!!</b></span> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span> </span></div>
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