I
had this amazing playhouse growing up that my dad built me when I was fairly
young. It was an exact mini-replica of our own house, same colors, same trim,
same front door...everything. I loved that little playhouse, everything about
it from the tiny kitchen set inside, to the inflatable living room furniture to
the tiny, plastic play food I cooked on the pretend stove, I was in heaven in
my little house! My dolls, sister and I spent many hours in that little house.
 |
| Deja with all her dolls at 3 years old. |
While
I loved dolls and playing house, my little sister was on a whole different level
of motherliness! I remember watching her with her dolls and she was impeccable
with taking care of them, dressing them, holding them, feeding them, taking
them on walks…she was motherly
from day one. She didn’t want baby doll stuff, she wanted REAL baby stuff. Real
strollers, car seats, clothes, blankets, baby toys, she was not content with
the fake, plastic dolls stuff. I knew from day one she was destined to be a
mother, whether you’re a feminist or whatever, my sister was BORN TO BE A MOM!
She exuded motherly qualities and her dolls were her babies and she loved them
as such.
I
remember early on watching her play with her dolls and knowing something was
different about the way she “took care” of them and the way I did. It was
instinct to her, from day one! I looked on with adoration at how she cared for
her baby dolls as a child the same way I do as an adult watching her with her
kids (even including her dance kids). She’s a natural-born mom and SO good at
it, it’s fun watching her be a mom (yep, I’ve been taking notes).
Recently
my friend L came to visit me and being the sweet, wonderfully kind-hearted
person she is, she hung out with me and my one-year old niece Maycee for
several hours of her visit instead of doing other fun stuff she could have been
doing. I love watching my niece and nephews and love when I get any quality
time with them as I live a little far away. We were in my mom’s basement that
day, where my mom has many, many toys, many of which used to be mind as a child
and many new ones too. Maycee and I were playing in her new little kitchen that
Maka (a.k.a. grandma) Diane bought her for Christmas. I am pretty sure I was
having more fun with the pretend food than Maycee was but I loved being in that
tiny little kitchen with her...the circle of life I suppose.
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L
snapped tons of pictures of us playing and I don’t know if she even realized
but she caught a BIG moment for me on camera. As I sat there playing with
Maycee all I could think of was how I wanted to build her & my nephews a
playhouse just like mine. A place where they could escape life and live in
their own little world of peace and comfort. I still plan on making that happen
for them. At one point I turned to L and I said to her, “Maybe I’m okay with
just being an aunt. Maybe I don’t need to be a mom.” She just fake smiled at me
sweetly and said “hmmm…???”
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It
was the first time I’d said it out loud, that I was maybe okay with not being a
mom. I think it was partly me trying to convince myself and partly a wall
coming up to protect me from whatever happens in our baby journey. I think I’ve
known for a long time that my journey to motherhood would be different than
most. I think I knew even before doctor’s told me at age 12, I think I knew a
long time ago watching my sister and thinking something was different, that my
journey would be “unique”.
I
think I have been prompted on many occasions to focus on my education, career
and personal self in order to prepare me for this long journey. I know the Lord
hasn’t wanted me to sit around and wait for my turn, instead He has wanted me
to live a full life. I know my destiny is different than many of my friends and
family. Just the other day I looked at Lucas and said, “Where did this
infertility come from?” Both sides of my family are VERY fertile and get
pregnant easily, where did my infertility come from? I really don’t know or
think I’ll ever really know but I DO know my journey is meant to be different
and my purpose is unique and I have to find a way to keep living and moving
forward no matter what, so that’s what I try to do.
I
flashback to those days in my playhouse and am so glad I was able to create my
own world of peace and happiness with no indication or foresight of what my
journey would be like. I’m thankful I got to, and get to, watch my little
sister be the motherly person she was destined to be. I love that no matter what,
I have love in my life and peace knowing that I’ll always be an aunt to Ike,
Gav and Mayc. I also know that my journey isn’t over, that there is much more I
have to do to be the person I need to become.
There
is a song that has impacted me recently with my personal journey and the ups
and downs that come with it. This song has brought me peace in knowing that I
will get “there” (wherever) there is and I will wait (patiently) for that baby
I know is mine…
Sunlight
comes creeping in
Illuminates our skin
We watch the day go by
Stories of all we did
It made me think of you
It made me think of you
Under a trillion stars
We danced on top of cars
Took pictures of the stage
So far from where we are
They made me think of you
They made me think of you
Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'd remember tonight
For the rest of our lives
I'm in a foreign state
My thoughts they slip away
My words are leaving me
They caught an aeroplane
Because I thought of you
Just from the thought of you
Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'd remember tonight
For the rest of our lives
If these wings could fly
Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'd remember tonight
For the rest of our lives
For
those who also haven’t had a “traditional” experience becoming a mother (or not), know
that there is a reason for your journey. Whether you can’t get pregnant or you
mis-carry easily, or whether you adopt or whether motherhood is just hard for
you or whether you’ve lost a child or you have no intention of being a mother.
Your personal journey is yours and there is a reason you’re living it…playing house isn’t
the same for everyone and your journey IS meaningful.
