Cupcake "mess"/fail. Check out more pintrosities here!

I watched an interview this morning with Robin Roberts that touched me. I have been feeling badly lately about posting too much about our infertility "stuff." I know many of you are a little tired of it, I can't really blame you. For me, it helps heal me, bit by bit. Maybe a strange place to seek healing? Yet, somehow it helps! Robin said something that her mom used to tell her, and it stuck with me, "Make your Mess your Message!" Her mess has been cancer, and like many of my family and friends, she's a fighter!

 I feel like a walking mess, 80% of the time these days, no make-up, not dressing up, barely making it out of the house, a kind of gloomy persona, I'm sad I let it affect me this way. However, I've been also trying to be okay with this fact, that maybe, for this brief moment in my life, I'm still okay. I'm thankful, to social media, that I have a place to "talk" because otherwise, I might crumble. So just for a bit longer, you'll have to deal with "my mess".

Thanks  for loving me, where I am and thanks for your love and support, always, and for making my mess your message!

XOXO,
Deja

Photo of Robin Roberts

Part of your World

Photo Credit: Pinimg

My husband and I went to see the Little Mermaid last night at a beautiful outdoor amphitheater here in Southern Utah called the Tuacahn Center for the Arts. The shows are AMAZING and if you’re ever in the area, YOU MUST GO! It’s an experience you won’t regret. You all know the story of the Little Mermaid, her journey to become human, to become part of world she longed to be a part of. She gives up her beautiful voice to the evil sea urchin Ursula, just to get legs. Because for her legs equate to reaching her ultimate dream---human hood. 

The story a rather simple one, if you look at it as is, but last night I couldn’t help but look at differently, from my life perspective, from my journey point of view…

A friend of mine wrote me today and it brought up a lot of thoughts for me on where I’m at right now on this crazy journey through infertility.

I hate to hear from people I love, and even strangers, that they have to go through infertility trials like me. That’s they long to be a mom or a dad so badly that they’d do nearly anything to make it happen. It’s something I wouldn’t wish I my worst enemy. But…

Man oh man have I been blessed through the whole process!

When I found out (very early one) that infertility would be a part of my journey, I had NO CLUE what I was about to face. At 12, I knew my chances of becoming a mom easily were slim, but I think it was planned for me to know so early on, to prepare myself for today! I don’t love being infertile, nor do I love the path all that much, but great things have come from it. There’s fare too many to name, but blessings galore how come to Lucas and I and our family. You get to see people’s love and compassion, their generosity, the worth an email, text or Facebook the message, or the selflessness of complete strangers and distant friends. The blessings, like I said, endless…

I have chosen to share my story, very publically, and because of that, I have received some criticism. Some question why in the world one would want to share such a personal journey, so publically. Some think that raising money to have a baby, is not something one should request donations for. So are beyond belief in why one wouldn’t keep this between there husband, and their self.

All of these reasons and understandable. For most, this journey through infertility is about as self-disclosing as anything can be. You see the worst in yourself, and even your marriage at times. It tears you down until you feel like nothing. It displays ever scar, tear and heartache on your physical body. It’s rough and exhausting and can even tear apart marriages and people!

Why would you want to share that?

It’s a great question which frankly, I don’t have the answer for. I have felt, strongly, that I needed to share my journey. I don’t know why. I don’t know how me sharing with help. But I do hold onto my faith (as tiny as it may some days) that God has a purpose for me in sharing my journey. Perhaps it’s selfishly for me, perhaps not…I write because I feel inspired to do so.

I choose to write, and I choose to move forward with my life while I wait to better myself and to hopefully, better me to be the best mom I can be to whomever may come into my life. That and that alone keeps me from going into despair. I have been told, “But look at all you have, and all you have accomplished, you don’t need to be a mom, you have it all!” I am SO proud of the accomplishments in my life, I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world, but there is more that I want, and I have yet to stop trying to get what I want, this situation is no different.

Ariel longs for something more, her signature song hit me last night listening to it, and sums up quite beautiful my thoughts…

Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more…

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that world up above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world

Faith and love keep me moving and striving to make myself better. I share my story for reasons unknown to me, but by faith I cling!

Playing House

Photo credit: Flickr

I had this amazing playhouse growing up that my dad built me when I was fairly young. It was an exact mini-replica of our own house, same colors, same trim, same front door...everything. I loved that little playhouse, everything about it from the tiny kitchen set inside, to the inflatable living room furniture to the tiny, plastic play food I cooked on the pretend stove, I was in heaven in my little house! My dolls, sister and I spent many hours in that little house.

Deja with all her dolls at 3 years old.

While I loved dolls and playing house, my little sister was on a whole different level of motherliness! I remember watching her with her dolls and she was impeccable with taking care of them, dressing them, holding them, feeding them, taking them on walks…she was motherly from day one. She didn’t want baby doll stuff, she wanted REAL baby stuff. Real strollers, car seats, clothes, blankets, baby toys, she was not content with the fake, plastic dolls stuff. I knew from day one she was destined to be a mother, whether you’re a feminist or whatever, my sister was BORN TO BE A MOM! She exuded motherly qualities and her dolls were her babies and she loved them as such. 

 

I remember early on watching her play with her dolls and knowing something was different about the way she “took care” of them and the way I did. It was instinct to her, from day one! I looked on with adoration at how she cared for her baby dolls as a child the same way I do as an adult watching her with her kids (even including her dance kids). She’s a natural-born mom and SO good at it, it’s fun watching her be a mom (yep, I’ve been taking notes).

Recently my friend L came to visit me and being the sweet, wonderfully kind-hearted person she is, she hung out with me and my one-year old niece Maycee for several hours of her visit instead of doing other fun stuff she could have been doing. I love watching my niece and nephews and love when I get any quality time with them as I live a little far away. We were in my mom’s basement that day, where my mom has many, many toys, many of which used to be mind as a child and many new ones too. Maycee and I were playing in her new little kitchen that Maka (a.k.a. grandma) Diane bought her for Christmas. I am pretty sure I was having more fun with the pretend food than Maycee was but I loved being in that tiny little kitchen with her...the circle of life I suppose.

L snapped tons of pictures of us playing and I don’t know if she even realized but she caught a BIG moment for me on camera. As I sat there playing with Maycee all I could think of was how I wanted to build her & my nephews a playhouse just like mine. A place where they could escape life and live in their own little world of peace and comfort. I still plan on making that happen for them. At one point I turned to L and I said to her, “Maybe I’m okay with just being an aunt. Maybe I don’t need to be a mom.” She just fake smiled at me sweetly and said “hmmm…???”

It was the first time I’d said it out loud, that I was maybe okay with not being a mom. I think it was partly me trying to convince myself and partly a wall coming up to protect me from whatever happens in our baby journey. I think I’ve known for a long time that my journey to motherhood would be different than most. I think I knew even before doctor’s told me at age 12, I think I knew a long time ago watching my sister and thinking something was different, that my journey would be “unique”.

I think I have been prompted on many occasions to focus on my education, career and personal self in order to prepare me for this long journey. I know the Lord hasn’t wanted me to sit around and wait for my turn, instead He has wanted me to live a full life. I know my destiny is different than many of my friends and family. Just the other day I looked at Lucas and said, “Where did this infertility come from?” Both sides of my family are VERY fertile and get pregnant easily, where did my infertility come from? I really don’t know or think I’ll ever really know but I DO know my journey is meant to be different and my purpose is unique and I have to find a way to keep living and moving forward no matter what, so that’s what I try to do.

I flashback to those days in my playhouse and am so glad I was able to create my own world of peace and happiness with no indication or foresight of what my journey would be like. I’m thankful I got to, and get to, watch my little sister be the motherly person she was destined to be. I love that no matter what, I have love in my life and peace knowing that I’ll always be an aunt to Ike, Gav and Mayc. I also know that my journey isn’t over, that there is much more I have to do to be the person I need to become.

There is a song that has impacted me recently with my personal journey and the ups and downs that come with it. This song has brought me peace in knowing that I will get “there” (wherever) there is and I will wait (patiently) for that baby I know is mine…

Sunlight comes creeping in
Illuminates our skin
We watch the day go by
Stories of all we did
It made me think of you
It made me think of you

Under a trillion stars
We danced on top of cars
Took pictures of the stage
So far from where we are
They made me think of you
They made me think of you

Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'd remember tonight
For the rest of our lives

I'm in a foreign state
My thoughts they slip away
My words are leaving me
They caught an aeroplane
Because I thought of you
Just from the thought of you

Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'd remember tonight
For the rest of our lives

If these wings could fly

Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'd remember tonight
For the rest of our lives

-Wings,Birdy

For those who also haven’t had a “traditional” experience becoming a mother (or not), know that there is a reason for your journey. Whether you can’t get pregnant or you mis-carry easily, or whether you adopt or whether motherhood is just hard for you or whether you’ve lost a child or you have no intention of being a mother. Your personal journey is yours and there is a reason you’re living it…playing house isn’t the same for everyone and your journey IS meaningful.