Waiting for BETA

Think Positive

 I have been wanting to write down my feelings this week for several days now. I’ve started, but never really finished. It’s been one of the hardest, longest, more trying weeks of my life. Any of you have been through infertility treatments truly understand what “hell week” is like. The waiting is excruciating!

As you know, we transferred our 2 little embryos on Sunday the 22^nd of March, 10 days ago. It’s kind of a cruel joke to literally know the second you implant a possible baby, and then have to wait for 10 days. I can’t possibly put into words what the last week and half has been like for all of us, I know everyone involved has had a hard, hard week. I can’t speak for them, as I’ve said before, but I can write about MY heart (or try to none-the-less).

In trying to process the last 10 days, it seems nearly impossible to do so. My emotions ride the rainbow of moods not daily, but hourly. I have seen moments of colossal hope and faith, and I have seen moments of unbearable heartache and pain. I have felts hopeless and empty, I’ve felt energized and optimistic. I have sobbed because my heart feels so heavy, and I have smiled because so many TRULY believe our miracle is on its way. I have thrown up in a toilet, cried on a bus, curled up on the floor of my office, called my mom/sister/Lucas with no words but loads of tears, I have not been able to eat AND eating a whole carton of ice cream. I have smiled through tear filled eyes, laughed when it took everything I had to do so, and have found a quiet alley to walk into so I could finally “burst” with the tears I was holding in. I have had hopeful, heartbreaking, tear-filled, angry, faithless prayers go up. Life has moved forward, and I’ve tried desperately to move forward with it, like a robot doing its best to understand and interact with humans.

This week has been surreal.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow we will finally know if all we’ve done to get here worked. I have tried in a million ways to figure out how I can prepare myself for tomorrow. How I can ready myself to hear the biggest news of my life. It’s the day before and I have yet to figure out how you could possibly prepare yourself for this kind of news. I have many, many friends and family who have gone through IVF who have told me over and over that there is no way to prepare—I believe them. My heart aches when I hear these people share their stories of heartache, over and over again, and then triumph and I’m reminded that this journey to baby, when you have infertility, is long and painful…and can end in great joy.

I do not know what tomorrow will bring. If I think about it too much, I feel my body shut down. As much as it might help (and it has helped) to stay busy, IT’S ALWAYS ON YOUR MIND! It’s always there looming reminding you that what you are currently doing in not as significant as what looms ahead. I want to have faith in our two little underdogs, in our two little survivors…I want to and it’s not always there. I’ve had to learn (through therapy) that it’s okay to feel what I’m feeling, when I’m feeling it. I think this week has helped me be a little more true to how I’m REALLY feeling, be a little more okay with whatever emotions creeps in, and be a little more understanding of other people’s pain. To some extent we have to pick ourselves up and move forward, but at the same time, we feel what we are feeling for a reason, for a purpose, and we have to stop, breathe, and take it in.

Tomorrow. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I wish I did. I don’t know what will happen when we get “the news”. I’ve played out every conclusion in my head, over and over, yet there is still no way I can prepare myself, or know, how tomorrow will go.

So many have reached out to us in love and support and it has meant THE WORLD to us. Your words of love, support, faith and encouragement have truly sustained me, have kept me moving forward and have saved me more times than once. I know we are kind of all in this together, and some of you are as anxious as us for tomorrow. That means so much to us.

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. Right now, right now I have to face life minute to minute. I will let you all know, either way, what happens tomorrow. No matter how hard it might be for us, we’re in this together and you will know.

So, stay tuned, the best is yet to come.

May the odds be ever in your favor.