Say something.

Image for the movie Up-Couple coping with infertility.

As I sat on the bus on my way to work today, my 32^nd birthday, this song came on on my iPod..

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble & fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Ooh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

It was a dark, cloudy, rainy morning today as I looked out the bus window and sobbed as I listened to these lyrics. It’s not a great feeling when you “finally break” and it’s on public transportation, it’s not ideal, nor is preferable, but it was my time to FINALLY feel something and I took it in.

Yep, I was the crazy woman on the bus SOBBING and I’m okay with it.

I’m 32 today, a seemingly irrelevant, unsubstantial birthday, but to me a photo montage of everything I hoped I’d be by 32 buzzed through my head, in music video splendor. I have to say, that I’m not ashamed of who I am at 32, I’ve been through a lot, gained a lot (not just lbs.), changed a lot, loved a lot, improved a lot, and grown a lot. I’ve had to go through a lot but I’m glad I have become I’m better for it.

Of course, the image of being a mom made its way into my life montage. I thought I’d be a mom by now, I really did. I imagined I’d be taking my kids to baseball or dance practices, (embarrassing them because we have to take the bus to get there), helping them with their homework, picking out their outfits, teaching them important things about morals and cupcakes…the important things. There’s no secret that THIS (video in my mind) was how I imagined life to be at 32.

I know my self-worth is not linked to being a mother. I know that I have had great success in my life, despite having children. I know that I will be okay, even happy, if I cannot have children. I know that I have accomplished a lot and that shouldn’t be diminished because I’m not a mom. I know this, and I know I’m okay, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

I think of my friends who, for one reason or another, can’t have kids, or have not had the opportunity to have kids. I’ve seen these women deal with the heartache of not facing motherhood in this life. I’ve seen these strong, confident, independent, successful woman struggle with not being able to be moms, and I always thought to myself, “How do they do it? How do they move on when they want something so badly, but they can’t have it?”

After I cried through the song a few times, and let the tears fall freely I was coming up to my destination. I knew it was time to wipe the tears, hold my head up and walk into my work where I needed to pull it together for my students. My students trust me to teach them really important things, they rely on me to give them important tools for success in life and they need me.

I realized today that it’s okay to feel the pain and heartache. It’s okay to let ourselves fall apart because life isn’t quite the way we imagined it to be. It’s okay to want to give up from time to time.  BUT…we have a journey we are on and we MUST, oh we MUST eventually pick ourselves up and face a world for which we have a purpose to be in. It’s okay to stop, take it in, understanding why we are hurting and face the reality of our situation. Its okay to say, “God, where are you? Why aren’t you helping me? Why can’t I have what I want so very much? Please, SAY SOMETHING!”

“And I will stumble & fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something I’m giving up on you.”

Once you’ve asked your questions, don’t forget who you are.

I am NOT a non-mother. I am NOT broken. I am NOT a failure. I am NOT along. I am NOT at the end of my story yet.

I am 32. I’m a teacher. I’m a wife. I’m a daughter. I’m a good friend. I’m the best damn aunt ever. I’m a student. I’m an advocate. I’m a leader. I’m slightly broken. And I’m okay.

XOXO,

Deja

Listen to:

Say Something (I'm giving up on you) by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera

Perhaps strenght doesn't reside in having never been broken...but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places.