Forget all the reasons why it won't work, and believe the one reason it will.

So it's the days after egg retrieval.

Everything went really well yesterday. I went in, they put me under, I woke up and BAM, they were able to retrieve 15 eggs. This is a solid number--a good number to work with.

Recovery was not too bad post-surgery--despite the fact that I kept telling everyone how handsome my husband is...and may have told the anesthesiologist he was a little handsome too, but no big deal!

I came home and just rested most of the day. I've had a low-grade fever for the last 12 hours or so, so we are watching that. I did pretty well with the pain, until about 10:00 last night, I had to take some ibuprofen. I have not had to take any today for pain. I have been pretty nauseous all day, but sometimes anesthesia does that to me. I'm doing well, but still have that lingering low-grade fever we are watching out for. 

Just a few minutes ago the endocrinology lab called me. The endocrinologist has the most awesome Aussie accent, I love it. She said of the 15 eggs, only one was pre-mature (that's great from what she said). One embryo didn't make it, so we have 13 strong embryos right now. Within 3 days (Friday), it's expected that only about 1/3 of those embryos will survive. We are hoping and praying to have a handful (at least) by Friday. She said that age is on our side so there is a good chance we'll have more than 1/3 survive, but there really is no way of knowing. I will be getting a call on Friday with an update on how many have made it! 

My nerves will be a mess for the next few days, to say the least.

I'm pleased with these numbers though, it gives us quite a few to work with. So Friday, they will decide which embryo looks best for transplantation, they'll prep that embryo, and SUNDAY is our BIG transfer day!

Everything has gone so well up to this point, I pray that it will continue. I can't tell you all how incredible this journey has been so far, and I can't believe it's coming down to these next few days. My heart is racing constantly. I also want to just say how incredibly miraculous it is to get pregnant. I always knew it was--but never to the depths I understand now. It is a true miracle to be able to get pregnant, for everything to fall into the perfect place! Watching us "create" a baby has been miraculous for us and has make me see, without questions, that God's hand is in the whole process. Funny isn't it, that watching science do its thing has made me see how very much God has his hand in bringing to earth, life.

Some have asked about our fundraising efforts. I have to tell you that we plan on continuing these efforts. We estimated early on that we would need about $20,000 for this process, and we have already spent close to $25,000. It's all so worth it, but Lucas and I have taken out several loans to make this happen. We never want you to think your money isn't being used for this cause--it is and always will be. I hope you'll never doubt that. Thanks for all who have already donated--and who will still donate in the future. We promise that we will stop fundraising efforts as soon as we reach an end to all the out-of-pocket expenses that keep popping up.

I can't thank you enough for all your love and support. You simple comments on this blog and Facebook keep me going some days. Your love and generosity brightens my day. Your sweet text messages, emails and private message mean more to me than you'll ever know. This process is trying and having friends on your side makes an enormous difference. We love you and thank you!

XOXO,

Deja

Our LUCKY Day!

Find this delicious cupcake here.

Well folks, I have 10 folicles on my left ovary, and 6 on my right--and on today's ultrasound, THEY'RE HUGE. This means it's GO TIME!


Tuesday morning I go in for egg retrieval. This has been a coveted day for me for over a year now (even longer because I've only been able to produce eggs once).

So Tuesday, St. Patty's Day is 
OUR LUCKY DAY!

I got quite emotional in the doc's office this morning when she told me it was "time to go". I can't belief it's finally here.

This means implantation with me 7 days after (approx. around March 24th) and we will take a pregnancy test on APRIL 1st. I've already informed A.M. (our awesome nurse) that she'll get punched in the face if she tries to pull any April fool's jokes that day.

So here we are folks-the days I've been longing for. I could NOT be more excited today--it's an emotional moment for both Lucas and I both.

This journey has been long and hard and this just feels like such a momentous moment for us--we are thrilled!

Update: Growing Eggs

Easter Egg Cupcakes: Recipe Here

QUICK UPDATE:
I have come down with a bit of a sinus infection, after a quick trip to Instacare, hopefully I'll be better in now time. I need to be healthy because we are just a week(ish) away from egg retrieval day! This girl's Easter hunt will be early this year. I know, bad joke. I am on heavy doses of drugs to get me to produce as many eggs as possible. The shots are BIG and THICK and not fun at all. Poor Lucas gets teary eyed giving them to me because I bleed. He is such a soft-hearted guy, the shots have been harder for him than me.

I haven't had too many side effects with the new meds, but it's hard to tell what's part of the sinus infection and what's part of the drugs (fevers, hot sweats, sleepiness). Ambree is injecting away also, getting her uterine wall as thick as possible and read for implantation. She's bee wonderful through all this--a real trooper. It has not been easy for her but she has stayed so strong.

I am hoping to start feeling some pain in my ovaries. Yep, hoping! I need to grow some strong folicles that will produce as many eggs as possible, so we have options. When I previously took a much milder drug to get me to ovulate, it worked, so all things considered, this should work too. We want those ovaries of mine to just go egg crazy! The more eggs, the more options we have for embryos. Cross your fingers those suckers grow this week into strong, usable, eggs!

On Saturday, I start going in for an ultrasound every day, to check on my eggs. The day the eggs are ready I will go in for surgery to get them removed. I won't know until the day before that it's surgery time--it's up to my body to decide when that will be...but should be next week sometime.

That's the news so far. We will keep you posted! Thanks again for your love, prayer and generosity. You make this so much more bearable with your encouraging words and love!

XOXO,
Deja

IVF: Becoming a Druggie, the Thug Life

I try to update this blog as much as possible, but these last couple of weeks have been tough! I try to throw out a few things in here and there on our Facebook page, but finally feel mentally okay enough to write a post...

I am on week two of Lupron injections.
The injection itself is easy-peasy but there have been some side-effects..

1. The pregnant belly. Because infertility likes to be super fun and super fair, the first dose of injections bloats your stomach so much it looks as though you are pregnant, quite pregnant. It's a funny game, isn't it!?! Here is the picture of my stomach after 2 weeks of LUPRON, it's NOT pretty but I promised to share everything so here goes..

I've always dreamed of having a cute selfie pregnancy photo to share--well folks--this might be as close as I'll ever get to one--somehow it's not as adorable as I hoped it would be. :)

2. I have had some minor bruising on my stomach, at various injection sites, but nothing too bad.

3. Mood swings. I mean all over the place. I haven't been too angry, just extremely sad. I talked to the nurse yesterday and she said that's normal--but it feels so abnormal. I won't even tell you how many times a day I cry...

4. Joint Aches. I tool Depot Lupron many years back (similar to this drug, but a little more hardcore). Because I took the Depot I have had early osteoporosis and joint pain--taking the Lupron again seems to have re-flamed these pains.

5. Hot flashes. No description necessary just get hot, real fast! :)

6. Hungry, ALL THE TIME!!! Guys, I can't stop eating, seriously, I wake up in the middle of the night to eat.

There are other small side effects like it makes it more tough to exercise, I just struggle to keep any stamina.

OTHER THAN THAT...the Lupron isn't too bad. I have 2 weeks left of it.

Now on to the next meds. Today I started new injections of Bravelle and Menopur. These meds will simulate my ovaries and hopefully produce follicles, which will produce many, happy eggs. That's the goal! Here is a pic of Lucas mixin' up the meds. He's turned into a physicist/nurse/drug dealer...

I have to say that Lucas has been amazing. He looks so sad when he has to inject me every morning but he does it so lovingly. He's been a pretty terrific support to me even though I've not been the easiest person to deal with! :)

As for Ambree--I don't want to write to much because I don't know how much she wants me to share but  she is being a real trooper through all this. She has some nasty inter-muscular shots that are TOUGH. She has also experienced many of the same side effects with Lupron as I. We don't spend a ton of time together as avoid hormone raged episodes! :) No, really, she has been AMAZING through it all.

I will keep you posted on how the new meds go. Not this week, but the next, we could be doing egg extraction...holy crap!!! It's happening...

XOXO,
Deja

In Case you Were Wondering...

Atkinson Baby FAQ’s

Do you have an increased chance of having multiples?

The short answer to this question is NO. We are only implanting one embryo so our chances of having more than one baby is slim. Many people, who do not use a surrogate, will implant more than one embryo, to increase their chances of conception. I was the only one on board for implanting two embryo, but lost the battle to Ambree and Lucas (which I totally get where they’re coming from, too).

Whose eggs and whose sperm are being used?

We are using my eggs and Lucas’ sperm, so it’s 100% ours. Ambree is literacy just the carrier, this is why she is called a gestational carrier, not a surrogate. A surrogate usually contributes their eggs to the cause.

Can you pick which gender you will have?

Believe it or not you can do this, however, we are not doing any kind of genetic manipulation. Meaning, we are getting what we get! We have no intentions of choosing a gender and won’t be doing this during the process.

Why don’t you just adopt?

This question has popped up a lot, and while we aren’t going to go into extensive detail here, we just feel like it’s not the best option for us RIGHT NOW. Not to say it will never happen, but we feel strongly about this choice for now. Adoption is also VERY expensive, emotionally exhausting & scary—just like what we are going through now. We fully support adoption and love those around us dearly who have chosen adoption.

Why do you both have to take hormone treatments?

Well, the short(ish) answer is that both of our bodies are being prepared to do their parts. My body is being prepped to grow as many eggs as possible, healthy eggs, and lots of them. My injections are to give us many eggs to choice from, to then create an embryo. Ambree is having her body prepped to be ready to take on an embryo. Her drugs build up her uterine wall to its optimum condition for accepting and embryo. Before either of our bodies can be prepped, doctors need full control of our cycles and hormones so we both start out by stopping everything inside us, so science can take over and control it.

What if this doesn’t work?

If this doesn’t work, Ambree will try again, up to six times. However, each time we attempt the procedure we are looking at about $1,000 a pop. We are crossing our fingers we get lots of good embryo and that that sucker will attach right away. HOWEVER, we know the odds are good, but not great, so there is always a chance it won’t work—but we are thinking positively.

Luckily if Plan A, Plan B, Plan C….doesn’t work, we know God has a letter in the alphabet that will work for us.

FUN FACTS YOU MIGHT NOW HAVE KNOWN…

*Neither Ambree nor I are scared of needles…which is great because there’s a helluva lot of them!

*Our contract specifically states that Ambree is no allowed to go off and get an ultrasound to find out the sex of our baby without our consent—why is this in there…because this is something I can see her doing! :)

*We do NOT want to find out the sex of our baby until delivery day! Most people (including Lucas) thinks this is crazy, but my heart has been set on having the best surprise ever for as long as I can remember…so I won this argument (reason for above addition to the contract).

*The day the baby is born—according to Utah Law---Ambree and Lucas will be the baby’s parents until some unknown weeks/months later when we go to court and change the birth mother to my name. So for a few weeks/months baby Atkinson’s mom and dad will be his/her aunt and daddy. Awkward much!?!

*If we get pregnant on the first attempt, we will have a December 2015 baby!

The Little Wooden Box

"Kindness has a beautiful way of reaching down into a weary heart and making it shine like the rising sun."

I laid down this afternoon after returning from work, just simply not feeling well.

There are times in my infertility journey I feel scared (what if this doesn’t work?), alone (does anyone understand my exact situation?), angry (why does it have to be this way?), impatient (when is it my turn?)…the list goes on. I feel sorry for myself, is really what it all comes down to.

I fell asleep, and as God often does, he answered all of these questions I’ve had in my heart through a dream…

Lucas and I decided to hold a small garage sale at my mom’s dance studio. We had maybe 20 items, not much. A woman showed up at the studio and asked us if we would like to look at a few things she brought that WE might be able to sell. We said sure. The next thing we knew we turned around and there were rooms and rooms, and rows and rows full of beautiful things! Stunning rugs, sparkling decorations, jewelry, the most stunning quilts, everything glittering! Lucas and I were stunned as we walked around and admired all the beautiful things.

Suddenly, the place was full, I mean people everywhere! They were filling bags and baskets, carts and armfuls of these beautiful things. Suddenly I felt out of control, I couldn’t keep track of everyone. There were no prices on anything. I couldn’t find Lucas. I couldn’t find the register. It was chaos, but I kept getting distracted by all the beautiful things. Everything was glittery, stunning and in perfect condition! I was so over-whelmed and amazed. It seemed like hundreds of people came in and out, all with armfuls of stuff. I wondered if, how and where they were paying for the stuff!?

Soon it was time to end the “garage sale” and nearly everything was gone (p.s. I had a few things in my arms—girl’s gotta shop I guess). I finally found Lucas and told him my concerns: How will I know who paid? How much did people pay? What if they just left with the stuff? (I even worry immensely in my dreams-yikes). He just stared at me (again, very realistic of real life). Suddenly, the same woman who brought all the beautiful stuff walked up and handed me a small wooden, etched box…

In it was MONEY, so much money. Tiny notes (that I couldn’t read). Little cards. Money folded around postcards. MONEY! I sat on the floor of the dance studio, still surrounding the chaos that just ensued at looked through the box. I didn’t count the money just thumbed through the piles. I just couldn’t believe something so amazing just happened to us!

Later in my dream I sat staring at an ultrasound screen, just waiting to hear a heartbeat…

I have lots of crazy dreams. Over the years I’ve had many, many remarkable dreams that have truly shaped my life. They have left me feeling strong emotions and have stuck with me through life—I believe this one will be with me forever.

I get donations, emails, little notes, cards in the mail, comments on social media, letters, postcards, anonymous donations, phone calls, texts, personal words, ideas for fundraisers…nearly every single day since we started this campaign. My heart just over-flows most days with the love, support and energy we get from friends, family, and total strangers.

My heart aches because I know I have not thanked each of you enough! I get a knot in my stomach knowing I haven’t sent out thank you cards, or even thanked each of you personally. I want to do that, I want to, somehow, thank each of you for all you’ve done for us, and don’t feel adequate in doing that. What am I really supposed to write? Thanks for helping us get the single most important gifts of our entire lives! Maybe, but yet that’s not enough.

I want you all to know, that no matter what happens, what the outcome may be. You have shown my family the most sincere, honest, hopeful, loving gift! You have opened my eyes to all I have to be thankful for. I have felt your love and prayers, more times than you’ll ever know. You have restored my hope in humanity, when the news tells me the world is bad and messed up, I smile because I don’t believe it anymore. You have given my family and I more smiles and joys than you could know. You have healed my broken heart.

Many of you have little money, and give what you have. Some of you have given me a donation automatically EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH. Some of you have given us a portion of each paycheck. Some of you have given us your well-earned saved money, some have given me the left over souvenir money you had from a trip, some of you are barely making it and have given to us…even more than once. Those of you with the least money, have given so often. Some of you have dug deep in your pockets to help us. You’re generosity has not gone un-noticed—we have seen it and felt it.

That little wooden box, filled with love and support, is something I look at often, and I cry. I also smile. I am continually amazed at your out-pouring of love, support and generosity. No matter the outcome of this journey, I know we are loved and cherished and for that, for that I am forever blessed!

All those beautiful things in my dream…they were you! They were you shining and sharing your beauty with us. Without question, without second guessing, without hesitation…you have mended our broken, beat-up, tattered, hopeless hearts.

Thank You!

XoXo,

Deja

P.S. So sorry for not editing this, just wanted to get it posted.