I’ve heard this word, and
have been avoiding it, since I was 12 years old.
I’ve put it off, far longer
than any doctor ever suspected I would, but at 31, it’s happening, next month.
I would lie if I said I’m 100%
happy about it, but the reality is, it’s the best option right now.
I know now, that I can’t get pregnant
on my own. Deep, deep down, on paper, in all medical opinions…I “know” I CAN’T
The logical part of me tell
me that it’s true, it’s impossible, but we every delayed period, tiny weight
gain, weird mood swing, food craving…I let the idea that I might be pregnant creep
Come August, that very notion
will be 100%, logically impossible! I think knowing that, might help.
I have been on four birth
control pills in the last four months (not great for my hormones and mood) and
NONE are stopping me from bleeding on a daily basis. There is constant fear,
from my doctors, that I will bleed too much. So, it’s time, time to yank that
dang thing and say good riddance.
BUT, I get to keep a really
important thing, MY OVERIES! The tubes…OUT, the uterus…OUT, but the ovaries can
stay! This means I can still ovulate, still produce eggs…and in turn, still
make a baby! The goal is the same, I’ll just have one less body part!
Okay, there’s the medical
jargon, and conclusion, I’m getting a hysterectomy come August.
I have been in an enormous
battle with myself. My natural tendency is to drown myself in projects and work
to (try to) stop myself from facing how I feel, to make me happy. It’s not a
bad logic, but eventually, no matter how long the Hulk hold back the giant
freight train, he will run out of strength and the train will move(do you just
love how I was able to make a Hulk reference in an infertility post?).
This is why I have this blog,
to force me to face it, and that’s why I’ve been desperately avoiding said blog…
I spend all day, every day,
carefully thinking through my school work, editing every work and finding the
perfect non-bias way to say things. I’m throwing that out the window right now.
So here we go, this is how I’m
feeling, uncensored, unedited, totally un-academic…
1.I want to be a
mom, more than ever before. I CRAVE it! But if I relish in it, it haunts me. I
can’t spend too much time on the subject or the tears begin to fall (like now),
the dreams of motherhood take over my sleep, and the baby naming list starts
going full speed…
2.I HATE, hate,
hate, that money determines whether I get something that’s so natural for so
many, HATE IT!
3.I worry my sister
will give up on waiting for us to get the money. That she will want to
(understandably) move on with her family plans…and my time will run out.
4.I worry comments
like that make me sound selfish.
5.I feel heartbreak
when I see yet another friend is pregnant. As much I don’t want this to be
true, that I want to pretend I’m not sad, the reality is…
6.I bought a baby
outfit the other day, for a baby boy. For my
7.I worry sharing
my story makes other’s feel uncomfortable. I think to myself that maybe doing
this so publicly is wrong. Maybe my grief should be between me and my husband, only? Maybe asking others to help, is
8.I cry very little
lately. I worry I’m becoming numb.
9.I trust in God’s
timing, but question it some days.
I cried writing this post, for the first time in a while, and I’m glad I did.
Many of you may already know, but Lucas and I were in a pretty serious motor scooter accident over Memorial Day Weekend. I got the much better end of the deal, as I landed on top of poor Lucas, along with the scooter. Lucas dislocated his left shoulder, and hurt his left leg. We first though he broke his femur bone, but thankfully that did not happen. He is slowly recovering and has started physical therapy as of yesterday. He may need surgery to fix some things in his leg, but we are waiting on an MRI to know for sure if anything can be fixed surgically. He was having some kidney problems in the beginning, but his numbers are going up. The doctor thinks his kidneys were effected just because of intense muscle damage. He is staying positive and optimistic and still thinks he'll be running is planned marathon in October!!! We are lucky that things turned out as well as they did; we were wearing helmets and thankfully so. My head bounced off the pavement a few time, but my helmet saved my precious brain! We have been blessed enormously with phone calls, emails, text messages, Facebook messages (from our friends all over the world), meals, treats and everything in between. We feel so lucky to have the support system we do!
Needless to say, our medical bills are stacking up by the day which we will figure out, no doubt. My heart has sunk a bit thinking this might mean putting baby saving money on hold for a bit. We realized through this accident how much we sure do love each other and can't wait to share that love with our own child! It gives me chills thinking about it! Thank you to each of you who continue to donate, your support and love means more to me than you could imagine. The two of you that send a re-occuring payment each month, every month you make me smile (just thought you should know that). Thank you so, so much!
Keep those prayers and good vibes coming to Lucas, who has taken on the nickname Scooter over the last two weeks! :) We love our Scooter!