Hysterectomy

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Hysterectomy…

I’ve heard this word, and have been avoiding it, since I was 12 years old.

I’ve put it off, far longer than any doctor ever suspected I would, but at 31, it’s happening, next month.

I would lie if I said I’m 100% happy about it, but the reality is, it’s the best option right now.

I know now, that I can’t get pregnant on my own. Deep, deep down, on paper, in all medical opinions…I “know” I CAN’T get pregnant!

The logical part of me tell me that it’s true, it’s impossible, but we every delayed period, tiny weight gain, weird mood swing, food craving…I let the idea that I might be pregnant creep in.

Come August, that very notion will be 100%, logically impossible! I think knowing that, might help.

I have been on four birth control pills in the last four months (not great for my hormones and mood) and NONE are stopping me from bleeding on a daily basis. There is constant fear, from my doctors, that I will bleed too much. So, it’s time, time to yank that dang thing and say good riddance.

BUT, I get to keep a really important thing, MY OVERIES! The tubes…OUT, the uterus…OUT, but the ovaries can stay! This means I can still ovulate, still produce eggs…and in turn, still make a baby! The goal is the same, I’ll just have one less body part!

Okay, there’s the medical jargon, and conclusion, I’m getting a hysterectomy come August.

Mentally…

I have been in an enormous battle with myself. My natural tendency is to drown myself in projects and work to (try to) stop myself from facing how I feel, to make me happy. It’s not a bad logic, but eventually, no matter how long the Hulk hold back the giant freight train, he will run out of strength and the train will move(do you just love how I was able to make a Hulk reference in an infertility post?).

This is why I have this blog, to force me to face it, and that’s why I’ve been desperately avoiding said blog…

I spend all day, every day, carefully thinking through my school work, editing every work and finding the perfect non-bias way to say things. I’m throwing that out the window right now.

So here we go, this is how I’m feeling, uncensored, unedited, totally un-academic…

1.      I want to be a mom, more than ever before. I CRAVE it! But if I relish in it, it haunts me. I can’t spend too much time on the subject or the tears begin to fall (like now), the dreams of motherhood take over my sleep, and the baby naming list starts going full speed…

2.      I HATE, hate, hate, that money determines whether I get something that’s so natural for so many, HATE IT!

3.      I worry my sister will give up on waiting for us to get the money. That she will want to (understandably) move on with her family plans…and my time will run out.

4.      I worry comments like that make me sound selfish.

5.      I feel heartbreak when I see yet another friend is pregnant. As much I don’t want this to be true, that I want to pretend I’m not sad, the reality is…

6.      I bought a baby outfit the other day, for a baby boy. For my baby boy.

7.      I worry sharing my story makes other’s feel uncomfortable. I think to myself that maybe doing this so publicly is wrong. Maybe my grief should be between me and my husband, only? Maybe asking others to help, is not okay…

8.      I cry very little lately. I worry I’m becoming numb.

9.      I trust in God’s timing, but question it some days.

10. I cried writing this post, for the first time in a while, and I’m glad I did.