Recently I was quite moved by a celebrity. I recently read a letter Bill Rancic wrote to his beautiful wife Giuliana on an important day in her life. It touched my heart because I have felt much of the pain they have gone through in recent years...the heartache of infertility.
I have been silent on my infertility blog now for a while. The pain I have been going through the last several months has shut me down, totally and completely. I have felt like I've had to take all my broken pieces and try to re-construct something that resembles me. I have felt ANGRY, more anger has come out of me than I ever knew had in me. I've snapped at people I love and care deeply about, even to my own surprise and shock. The anger element is something I didn't expect to hit me so hard. I'm working on overcoming this and am trying to find new way of coping with my heartache.
I thank all of you have been around me and have been able to sense my heartache, anger, and resentment and have loved me anyway.
Bill's letter to Giuliana prompted me to write a similar letter to my husband. An open letter of love. I cried writing this letter, but smiled too to know I have found the one person who will love me no matter what (he's proven that the last few months). Poor guy deserves a break, but he doesn't take it, he's by my side every pain-staking day.
So here's my open letter of love to my Sweet GQ
I realized tonight that it has been far too long since I sat down to write you a letter. I need to do better about letting you know how much you mean to me and how much you make my life better. This year has been one of the hardest of our relationship together, yet one of my favorite’s so far. We have hit the peak of our struggle with infertility-finding out that we lost our final two little embryos-and that my eggs are not even viable. Infertility can be absolutely draining on a marriage, it’s exhausting, it’s defeating, and it’s painful in every way. If anything can break a person/couple down, it’s infertility! Infertility has just been the biggest of our trials this year, there have been many others little things that have tested us individually and together. We always try to focus on the positive and stay strong, but we’ve come to realize that falling apart, together is okay too.
Instead of dwelling on the hard parts of our year, I want us to always see the good parts too. I have grown to love you on a whole new level this year. I have never felt so broken in my life…my body is broken, my positive attitude is broken, my strength is broken, and my heart is broken…but you love me like I’m WHOLE. You wrap your arms around my broken soul every day and hug me until I feel a little less broken. You stop me in the middle of a study session or tear-soaked Netflix fling, and you dance with me. You dance with me like it’s our wedding day and we’re dancing for the first time as husband and wife-you hold me so tight and I feel safe for a minute. You wrap me up like I’m the most precious thing you’ve ever held, and you take away some of my deeply-seeded hurt. I love you!
I know this journey has been hard for your too, and I haven’t always been there to wrap you up because of my own hurt…I’m sorry for that. I will try harder to be there for you when you are hurting and love you with the zeal in which you love me. I often lately feel forgotten by God, like why is he giving me this kind of heartache, but He always reminds me, “Deja, I gave you Lucas!” I know you’re my gift, always have always will. Thank you babe! :):
Always & Forever
I love you and I like you,