Photo credit: Flickr

I had this amazing playhouse growing up that my dad built me when I was fairly young. It was an exact mini-replica of our own house, same colors, same trim, same front door...everything. I loved that little playhouse, everything about it from the tiny kitchen set inside, to the inflatable living room furniture to the tiny, plastic play food I cooked on the pretend stove, I was in heaven in my little house! My dolls, sister and I spent many hours in that little house.

Deja with all her dolls at 3 years old.

While I loved dolls and playing house, my little sister was on a whole different level of motherliness! I remember watching her with her dolls and she was impeccable with taking care of them, dressing them, holding them, feeding them, taking them on walks…she was motherly from day one. She didn’t want baby doll stuff, she wanted REAL baby stuff. Real strollers, car seats, clothes, blankets, baby toys, she was not content with the fake, plastic dolls stuff. I knew from day one she was destined to be a mother, whether you’re a feminist or whatever, my sister was BORN TO BE A MOM! She exuded motherly qualities and her dolls were her babies and she loved them as such. 

 

I remember early on watching her play with her dolls and knowing something was different about the way she “took care” of them and the way I did. It was instinct to her, from day one! I looked on with adoration at how she cared for her baby dolls as a child the same way I do as an adult watching her with her kids (even including her dance kids). She’s a natural-born mom and SO good at it, it’s fun watching her be a mom (yep, I’ve been taking notes).

Recently my friend L came to visit me and being the sweet, wonderfully kind-hearted person she is, she hung out with me and my one-year old niece Maycee for several hours of her visit instead of doing other fun stuff she could have been doing. I love watching my niece and nephews and love when I get any quality time with them as I live a little far away. We were in my mom’s basement that day, where my mom has many, many toys, many of which used to be mind as a child and many new ones too. Maycee and I were playing in her new little kitchen that Maka (a.k.a. grandma) Diane bought her for Christmas. I am pretty sure I was having more fun with the pretend food than Maycee was but I loved being in that tiny little kitchen with her...the circle of life I suppose.

L snapped tons of pictures of us playing and I don’t know if she even realized but she caught a BIG moment for me on camera. As I sat there playing with Maycee all I could think of was how I wanted to build her & my nephews a playhouse just like mine. A place where they could escape life and live in their own little world of peace and comfort. I still plan on making that happen for them. At one point I turned to L and I said to her, “Maybe I’m okay with just being an aunt. Maybe I don’t need to be a mom.” She just fake smiled at me sweetly and said “hmmm…???”

It was the first time I’d said it out loud, that I was maybe okay with not being a mom. I think it was partly me trying to convince myself and partly a wall coming up to protect me from whatever happens in our baby journey. I think I’ve known for a long time that my journey to motherhood would be different than most. I think I knew even before doctor’s told me at age 12, I think I knew a long time ago watching my sister and thinking something was different, that my journey would be “unique”.

I think I have been prompted on many occasions to focus on my education, career and personal self in order to prepare me for this long journey. I know the Lord hasn’t wanted me to sit around and wait for my turn, instead He has wanted me to live a full life. I know my destiny is different than many of my friends and family. Just the other day I looked at Lucas and said, “Where did this infertility come from?” Both sides of my family are VERY fertile and get pregnant easily, where did my infertility come from? I really don’t know or think I’ll ever really know but I DO know my journey is meant to be different and my purpose is unique and I have to find a way to keep living and moving forward no matter what, so that’s what I try to do.

I flashback to those days in my playhouse and am so glad I was able to create my own world of peace and happiness with no indication or foresight of what my journey would be like. I’m thankful I got to, and get to, watch my little sister be the motherly person she was destined to be. I love that no matter what, I have love in my life and peace knowing that I’ll always be an aunt to Ike, Gav and Mayc. I also know that my journey isn’t over, that there is much more I have to do to be the person I need to become.

There is a song that has impacted me recently with my personal journey and the ups and downs that come with it. This song has brought me peace in knowing that I will get “there” (wherever) there is and I will wait (patiently) for that baby I know is mine…

Sunlight comes creeping in
Illuminates our skin
We watch the day go by
Stories of all we did
It made me think of you
It made me think of you

Under a trillion stars
We danced on top of cars
Took pictures of the stage
So far from where we are
They made me think of you
They made me think of you

Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'd remember tonight
For the rest of our lives

I'm in a foreign state
My thoughts they slip away
My words are leaving me
They caught an aeroplane
Because I thought of you
Just from the thought of you

Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'd remember tonight
For the rest of our lives

If these wings could fly

Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'd remember tonight
For the rest of our lives

-Wings,Birdy

For those who also haven’t had a “traditional” experience becoming a mother (or not), know that there is a reason for your journey. Whether you can’t get pregnant or you mis-carry easily, or whether you adopt or whether motherhood is just hard for you or whether you’ve lost a child or you have no intention of being a mother. Your personal journey is yours and there is a reason you’re living it…playing house isn’t the same for everyone and your journey IS meaningful.  

It was kind of a big deal...

Photo Credit: Better Homes and Gardens

January 22, 2014, Appointment with Dr. Foulk in Pleasant Grove. Ambree's physical exam and doctor consultation.

Holy cow you guys, yesterday was INCREDIBLE.

My infertility doctor is so great, Lucas and I have had a wonderful experience with him thus far. HOWEVER, we had never talked to him directly about our plans to use a gestational carrier so were a little weary of how he would react.  We have talked to others in his office, but not him. At our last meeting at his office, his advisor warned us that he would try to talk me into giving IVF a try on my own first. This worried me because I just KNOW, in my heart, that THIS (using a carrier) is what we are supposed to do.

Needless to say I was very nervous for our appointment yesterday. I hoped I could stand my ground but it's a pretty emotional subject so I was worried I'd just fall apart in his office.

Yesterday was FANTASTIC! Dr. Foulk is so great. He sat down and let us talk right off the bat, he listened to our worries, concerns, excitement, anxiety...all of it. And the absolute best part...HE'S TOTALLY ON BOARD!! He didn't question my decision for a second, was so great with Ambree and was thorough, honest and encouraging. I have NO doubt at all that he was guided yesterday by a higher power. When he walked into the room, all my anxiety just left, it was incredible! I haven't even said this out loud to anyone yet but I felt like that office was full of people, it was strange. I have a feeling we had a lot of cheerleaders from the other side there at this appointment with us. We prayed so hard before we left for Salt Lake, and I know many of you did as well; those prayers were heard and answered in a BIG way.

I am more excited than ever and can't wait to start this journey. This is the checklist we currently our working on:

1. Get Ambree cleared to be a carrier. CHECK!
2. Find a lawyer and set up our contract.
3. Get all our psych evals done. (Yep, Lucas, me, Ambree & Derek all have to pass pscyh exams before we get the go-ahead).
4. Get on same birth control. CHECK!
5. SAVE UP $20,000!
6. Get Ambree's water ultrasound done.
7. Start therapy sessions together (we have to do counseling together befor embryo transplant).
8. Begin the process of hormone injections (for both Ambree and I).
9. Perform the egg extraction (Deja).
10. Make embryo's.
11. Transfer the winning/best embryo.
12. Embryo attaches and WE'RE PREGNANT (ideally).

I get goose bumps just writing this. I am giddy with excitement.

NOW, please pray for PATIENCE for me. Waiting for the funding is going to be hard cause I'm just so anxious to get moving on making a Lucas & Deja baby!

THANK YOU all for your continual love and support. We love you all and are eternally grateful for your love and charity!