Image From: Flickr

It’s been far too long since I’ve updated everyone on how the puzzle campaign is going. That being said, I could list to you the millions of reasons, why but I won’t! Instead, I will fill you in piece by piece on how our journey is progressing. I had to break it into a few posts, because well…my OCD brain couldn’t handle it all in one.

As you may have guessed from my “oh-so-creative” post title, this one is about the legality of the whole thing (It’s actual more interesting than you would think…so keep reading…).

We are currently in the midst of legal stuff…lots, and lots, and lots, of legal STUFF! Our lawyer is wonderful and thank goodness because it’s an exhausting and confusing process!

In late July we met with him for this first time and instantly felt great about our decision to change lawyers (I won’t go into detail on this right now). We spent HOURS discussing all the protocol and legal things we were about to embark on! It was EXHAUSTING and our brains were FRIED after our meeting, Ambree and Lucas were there and were champs through the tedious, wordy mumble jumble. So here’s the scoop…

Our lawyer’s main job in this process is to draft a contract between myself, Lucas, Derek and Ambree (my sister and brother-in-law). We have been discussing this contract for months now because it is a MAJOR part of the process. The contract is a good thing to have to make sure all parties are taken care of and have their input.

It’s been an interesting process for sure. As parents, we have had to make some serious decisions about a child we don’t even have yet, probably much sooner than others may have to. We have to work through a lot of feelings on what lengths we will go to for our baby while at the same time making sure my sister is taken care of, safe, and is going to still be able to be a good mom to Gavin and Maycee while carrying our baby.

The contract is being written right now and should be completed in a week or two.

Now for the remainder of the legal stuff, my brain has had to process a lot so I hope this information is all accurate (this is my disclaimer that it may not be) but I’ll do my best.

Once we have a contract we will need to present it to a judge for approval. This is basically a “go ahead” to start the medical process. This will be a happy, glorious day for us that we are all looking forward to.

HOWEVER, because the state of Utah treats gestational carriers like adoption, we have to go through a very similar process. We are petitioning to get the home visit waved (because it’s about $1,000) extra. It’s normally waved in nearly all g.c. cases so we are crossing our fingers this will be same for us. We just submitted our fingerprints for FBI background checks and are collecting letters stating we will make good parents now!

Despite our frustration, and downright anger at times, that we have to go through all of this to have OUR OWN BABY, we are hanging in and doing what we need to do. HOWEVER, we have BIG plans down the road to push for many changes in this process. Some days the anger mounts, and mounts, and mounts but we move forward…

(I’m sure you will hear more ranting about this down the road, but this was my “nice way of saying it” for the time being.)

Our lawyer will also help with things once we have a live birth. As it stands today, when the baby is born, my sister and MY husband will be listed as the parents until we go to court for me to get custody of MY OWN baby. Yep, let that one sink in for a bit!

I think that was enough detail for the time being on the legal end of things. Again we love our lawyer and our very thankful he is working so hard on our case and taking as much stress off of us as he possibly can…what a relief!

Part of your World

Photo Credit: Pinimg

My husband and I went to see the Little Mermaid last night at a beautiful outdoor amphitheater here in Southern Utah called the Tuacahn Center for the Arts. The shows are AMAZING and if you’re ever in the area, YOU MUST GO! It’s an experience you won’t regret. You all know the story of the Little Mermaid, her journey to become human, to become part of world she longed to be a part of. She gives up her beautiful voice to the evil sea urchin Ursula, just to get legs. Because for her legs equate to reaching her ultimate dream---human hood. 

The story a rather simple one, if you look at it as is, but last night I couldn’t help but look at differently, from my life perspective, from my journey point of view…

A friend of mine wrote me today and it brought up a lot of thoughts for me on where I’m at right now on this crazy journey through infertility.

I hate to hear from people I love, and even strangers, that they have to go through infertility trials like me. That’s they long to be a mom or a dad so badly that they’d do nearly anything to make it happen. It’s something I wouldn’t wish I my worst enemy. But…

Man oh man have I been blessed through the whole process!

When I found out (very early one) that infertility would be a part of my journey, I had NO CLUE what I was about to face. At 12, I knew my chances of becoming a mom easily were slim, but I think it was planned for me to know so early on, to prepare myself for today! I don’t love being infertile, nor do I love the path all that much, but great things have come from it. There’s fare too many to name, but blessings galore how come to Lucas and I and our family. You get to see people’s love and compassion, their generosity, the worth an email, text or Facebook the message, or the selflessness of complete strangers and distant friends. The blessings, like I said, endless…

I have chosen to share my story, very publically, and because of that, I have received some criticism. Some question why in the world one would want to share such a personal journey, so publically. Some think that raising money to have a baby, is not something one should request donations for. So are beyond belief in why one wouldn’t keep this between there husband, and their self.

All of these reasons and understandable. For most, this journey through infertility is about as self-disclosing as anything can be. You see the worst in yourself, and even your marriage at times. It tears you down until you feel like nothing. It displays ever scar, tear and heartache on your physical body. It’s rough and exhausting and can even tear apart marriages and people!

Why would you want to share that?

It’s a great question which frankly, I don’t have the answer for. I have felt, strongly, that I needed to share my journey. I don’t know why. I don’t know how me sharing with help. But I do hold onto my faith (as tiny as it may some days) that God has a purpose for me in sharing my journey. Perhaps it’s selfishly for me, perhaps not…I write because I feel inspired to do so.

I choose to write, and I choose to move forward with my life while I wait to better myself and to hopefully, better me to be the best mom I can be to whomever may come into my life. That and that alone keeps me from going into despair. I have been told, “But look at all you have, and all you have accomplished, you don’t need to be a mom, you have it all!” I am SO proud of the accomplishments in my life, I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world, but there is more that I want, and I have yet to stop trying to get what I want, this situation is no different.

Ariel longs for something more, her signature song hit me last night listening to it, and sums up quite beautiful my thoughts…

Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more…

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that world up above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world

Faith and love keep me moving and striving to make myself better. I share my story for reasons unknown to me, but by faith I cling!

June 2014 Update

As of June 26, 2014 we have raised...

$6,690 

got...

335 Puzzle Pieces

and we are...

34% of our way to the goal! 

Thanks for your love and support!

Hysterectomy

Photo Credit: Flickr

Hysterectomy…

I’ve heard this word, and have been avoiding it, since I was 12 years old.

I’ve put it off, far longer than any doctor ever suspected I would, but at 31, it’s happening, next month.

I would lie if I said I’m 100% happy about it, but the reality is, it’s the best option right now.

I know now, that I can’t get pregnant on my own. Deep, deep down, on paper, in all medical opinions…I “know” I CAN’T get pregnant!

The logical part of me tell me that it’s true, it’s impossible, but we every delayed period, tiny weight gain, weird mood swing, food craving…I let the idea that I might be pregnant creep in.

Come August, that very notion will be 100%, logically impossible! I think knowing that, might help.

I have been on four birth control pills in the last four months (not great for my hormones and mood) and NONE are stopping me from bleeding on a daily basis. There is constant fear, from my doctors, that I will bleed too much. So, it’s time, time to yank that dang thing and say good riddance.

BUT, I get to keep a really important thing, MY OVERIES! The tubes…OUT, the uterus…OUT, but the ovaries can stay! This means I can still ovulate, still produce eggs…and in turn, still make a baby! The goal is the same, I’ll just have one less body part!

Okay, there’s the medical jargon, and conclusion, I’m getting a hysterectomy come August.

Mentally…

I have been in an enormous battle with myself. My natural tendency is to drown myself in projects and work to (try to) stop myself from facing how I feel, to make me happy. It’s not a bad logic, but eventually, no matter how long the Hulk hold back the giant freight train, he will run out of strength and the train will move(do you just love how I was able to make a Hulk reference in an infertility post?).

This is why I have this blog, to force me to face it, and that’s why I’ve been desperately avoiding said blog…

I spend all day, every day, carefully thinking through my school work, editing every work and finding the perfect non-bias way to say things. I’m throwing that out the window right now.

So here we go, this is how I’m feeling, uncensored, unedited, totally un-academic…

1.      I want to be a mom, more than ever before. I CRAVE it! But if I relish in it, it haunts me. I can’t spend too much time on the subject or the tears begin to fall (like now), the dreams of motherhood take over my sleep, and the baby naming list starts going full speed…

2.      I HATE, hate, hate, that money determines whether I get something that’s so natural for so many, HATE IT!

3.      I worry my sister will give up on waiting for us to get the money. That she will want to (understandably) move on with her family plans…and my time will run out.

4.      I worry comments like that make me sound selfish.

5.      I feel heartbreak when I see yet another friend is pregnant. As much I don’t want this to be true, that I want to pretend I’m not sad, the reality is…

6.      I bought a baby outfit the other day, for a baby boy. For my baby boy.

7.      I worry sharing my story makes other’s feel uncomfortable. I think to myself that maybe doing this so publicly is wrong. Maybe my grief should be between me and my husband, only? Maybe asking others to help, is not okay…

8.      I cry very little lately. I worry I’m becoming numb.

9.      I trust in God’s timing, but question it some days.

10. I cried writing this post, for the first time in a while, and I’m glad I did.

Scooter

Photo Credit: Flickr

Many of you may already know, but Lucas and I were in a pretty serious motor scooter accident over Memorial Day Weekend. I got the much better end of the deal, as I landed on top of poor Lucas, along with the scooter. Lucas dislocated his left shoulder, and hurt his left leg. We first though he broke his femur bone, but thankfully that did not happen. He is slowly recovering and has started physical therapy as of yesterday. He may need surgery to fix some things in his leg, but we are waiting on an MRI to know for sure if anything can be fixed surgically. He was having some kidney problems in the beginning, but his numbers are going up. The doctor thinks his kidneys were effected just because of intense muscle damage. He is staying positive and optimistic and still thinks he'll be running is planned marathon in October!!! We are lucky that things turned out as well as they did; we were wearing helmets and thankfully so. My head bounced off the pavement a few time, but my helmet saved my precious brain! We have been blessed enormously with phone calls, emails, text messages, Facebook messages (from our friends all over the world), meals, treats and everything in between. We feel so lucky to have the support system we do!

Needless to say, our medical bills are stacking up by the day which we will figure out, no doubt. My heart has sunk a bit thinking this might mean putting baby saving money on hold for a bit. We realized through this accident how much we sure do love each other and can't wait to share that love with our own child! It gives me chills thinking about it! Thank you to each of you who continue to donate, your support and love means more to me than you could imagine. The two of you that send a re-occuring payment each month, every month you make me smile (just thought you should know that). Thank you so, so much!

Keep those prayers and good vibes coming to Lucas, who has taken on the nickname Scooter over the last two weeks! :) We love our Scooter!

Deja